it takes time...

I keep trying to remind myself- it takes time. And in between time I'm going to feel good, bad, ugly, and fantastic about it. This week it's ugly. At least, that's how I'm feeling about this whole program and where I'm in the middle of it.

8lbs to go until my first major goal...and I'm faltering. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. I want to say that it's pissing me off and firing me up, but really it's just making me tired. And confused.

Do I think too much? I try to keep up with all the talk of "living into it". Hell, I've posted the commentary on this blog. I'm not good with living into anything. When I move into a new apartment, I hang up pictures before the weekend is out. I like drawer dividers for cutlery and utensils. I make checklists. I count things constantly. I'm notorious for writing pre-vacation to-do lists a week in advance. Living in just hasn't been a practice of mine. Yet I want it to be...or think it has to be...or I'm just scared of committing and am looking for an out.

I am scared. Of losing weight. Of not losing weight. What happens when I get to "the end" of this journey (once I figure out what that end is). I'm afraid that I'll put on the weight again. I'm afraid I'll not be satisfied. That I'll realize how much I lost out on time and energy being fat and weighing in.

Mostly, I am afraid that if I set this goal that I won't make it. I don't want to fail on this. And yet, here I am, stalled. Feeling slightly addicted to sugar and hesitant. 8 lbs to my first major goal of160. 20lbs to the "final" at 148lbs. I think I'm not going to be happy until I hit 100lbs lost. I worry that it's crazy to say that. It shouldn't be about number of pounds lost, right? Am I thinking too much again?

I also want this to be over. I'm tired of counting points and going to WW meetings. 20lbs. Another 10-20 weeks. If I keep losing at the rate I am currently, closer to 20 weeks. 5 more months. That's a mid-January 2010 finish. Still 4 months before the wedding. Doable. Very doable.

So what to do? At work last week I tried to keep the motto- "do good enough" (not well enough because that's too grammatically correct!). Do good enough. How does that translate to WW? Tracking. Eating within my points range. Exercising. Going to the meetings. I can manage that.

Do good enough. Early bed. Early exercise. Good...enough.