Get it on...

The biggest woman ever weighed in on the biggest loser, Shay, just lost 17lbs her first week. Her weight loss represents a large chunk of the weight I have yet to lose. Shit...and Rebecca lost 18lbs. Okay, so I'm updating this in real time while watching the biggest loser. And I'm writing this entry because this first episode of the new season, along with my reflections in reading Runners' World's advice for fall running, has got me thinking.

I've been trying to live by the motto. "Do good enough". I like that motto, for work. But, it's not working for my personal weight/exercise life. I've been with Weight Watchers this year for about 33 weeks and I'm losing at an average of .7lbs/week. Which is decent and healthy. But it's slowing. This past week I put on 1.4lbs. And I know that up s and downs are a part of this journey. I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is how I'm feeling about this process right now.

I'm frustrated. I've seriously considered quitting WW. And why? Because I'm afraid of failing. I'm slowing down. I'm afraid of this end. That there won't be an end-that the end equals another journey.

So I've eaten whatever the hell I've wanted. I've lightened up on the exercise. I've given myself breaks. But though I've been conscious of my behavior I've continued to give myself hell- berated myself for my behavior. For slowing down. For putting on weight. But I've done this to myself.

Watching the Biggest Loser tonight I was taken back to 2005. Me at 248.6lbs. 5'5" and huge. Unable to breathe. Unable to walk without sweating. Desperate, depressed, and lonely. It was so easy to get there. Self-loathing, sad personal history, time to waste, feelings of helplessness, and food. Chinese food. Single serve store-bought cakes. Pie slices. 2 liters of wine on a Friday night watching TLC. 12 count chicken nuggets and large fries. No exercise. Depression. Vomiting. Self-loathing. Sadness. Personal history. Bulimia. Fear. Bad relationship- with myself and others. A spiral that was easy to go down and down and down.

I don't want to go there again- down that spiral. And I'm not ready to quit yet. This journey is not over- I know that. I've come far. Hell, at 169.4lbs this week I am still near that 80lb weight loss mark. That's huge. But I want more.... I want more. For me.

So, it's time to get it on... I'm gonna get this weight loss train racin' to that end. And I'm setting my goal at 148.6lbs. 100 lb loss. So it's about 21lbs to go.

And I'm gonna do it by shaking it up. Mind and matter have to go together. And right now, my mind's not playing with me. So I'm going to play with it. Shake it up. I've been "fitting in" exercise. "Fitting in" eating healthy to my nights out. This week we're going to turn it upside down. Get it on...

I'm gonna get it on in the morning. Exercise first. Day later.

I'm gonna get it on through the day. Eating well first. Treat later.

I'm gonna get it on... Love for me first. Others later.

I'm gonna get it on.

And at work, I'm gonna do good enough. Because I come first this game. And I'm gettin it on.