Rainy mornings

Rainy mornings with 10am starts at work are my favorite especially when my lil' shepherd pupy is sleepy. This morning it's pouring outside. I overslept til 7am and now am sitting drinking coffee in bed. I'll then don my heavy rain gear and walk the pup (who is sleeping on the end of the bed as I type) before coming back in to tackle a C25k run. I'll stil be able to shower, prep breakfast and get to work by 10am.

Love it: sleeping in, hand delivered coffee and chill time, workout, and food. What coudl be better?

Food...combination?

The most awkward food combinations occur at 9:30pm when you're on WW, have had to miss dinner to due some unforeseen circumstance (your tire blows up, you lock your keys to the car in the office, you are beset by a random shopping spree...or you just are working late again and forget to pack your dinner soup), and you have 7points to eat. Like me, tonight.

5 Morningstar Buffalo wings + 1/2 bagel= 7 point I-shouldn't-be-eating-this-late dinner.

Quick and plentiful. Fabulous. Also foods I would normally avoid on program because of the high point content per low volume of food. Perfect solution. I am not, however, going to bed sexy. Oh no... because no amount of teeth brushing is going to rid me of hte buffalo-everything bagel-garlic-onion combo that's going on. But hell, it's a weeknight, I have to get up early, and I'm damn tired. Who cares?

PS. WW, I kicked your point-recording behind today. Go me. :)
PPS. I busted my point-recording behind circuit training this morning. Go me x2. :)

Weigh-in was horrendous... but I wasn't

Missed 2 weeks of Weight Watchers but returned tonight dutifully to weigh-in. Let's just say it was terrible and I wanted to cry. I've been up and down since October and while, over the long-term, I'm staying at a stable weight, in the moment sometimes it feels horrible.

Especially because:
1. I've been running
2. We went hiking this weekend for 2 hours
3. I also did over 2 hours of xc-skiing this weekend
4. I ran this morning

But I know there have been some flaws. I'm eating too much processed, sodium-filled food. I'm not drinking enough water. I'm saving too many points for evenings (just under 1/2 my allotted daily intake) and weekends.

But I didn't cry. And, when I went to the grocery store directly after meeting to do the week's shopping, I didn't buy chocolate or cake. Even better, it didn't cross my mind to do so. I just thought- that's it. It's time to do it right: track, eat filling foods, cut out the seltzer + diet coke, and exercise.

So, weigh-in was horrendous, but I wasn't. I came home and made a healthy dinner. Have packed all my meals and snacks for tomorrow, counted the points, and am ready to go (with 3 points to flex as a safety).

Bring it on WW.

What comes first: the chicken or the vegetarian?

I am having my first vegetarian crisis.

No. I'm not jonesing for a juicy black and blue burger, cooked to medium pink perfection. And while memories of sizzlin' summer bbq still tickle my cilia, I do not wish to tear off strips from smoked baby-back ribs. I'm not desirous of bangers and mash...or chips. No want for thinly sliced steak n' cheese.

No, I'm not falling off the veggie wagon. Rather, I feel that I'm becoming a leading member of the caravan.

It started last fall around September. All summer long I enjoyed shrimp and scallops. Grilled and served straight up. Sauteed in garlic and olive oil. Boiled in spicy jambalaya. Stuffed in plump ravioli. I enjoyed these sea creatures all summer long. No pain. No guilt. Just low-point protein satisfaction. And then the fall came and on a trip to Vermont for work I visited a local restaurant renowned for it's fine seafood. I ordered a shrimp and scallop pasta and was delighted to be served a large bowl with jumbo shrimp and golf-ball sized scallops. I dug in with gusto, but retreated after 1 shrimp and 1 scallop. I thought perhaps they were too large. Too meaty. I was confused. I blamed it on root vegetable season and hibernation.

Not to be foiled, when my mother visited in early November I signed up for another shrimp pasta. Ravioli. And what do you know, when ground and spiced, mixed with ricotta and hidden in ravioli, shrimp is unidentifiable. I made it through the dish.

Heartened, I determined to take on shrimp again at Thanksgiving. Shrimp ring appetizer with cocktail sauce. I dove in, grabbed a mini-shrimp smaller than the first nub of my pinkie finger and popped it in my mouth

I regretted it immediately, dove for my wine glass, and washed away the nausea with a good swig of Cabernet sauvignon. I haven't touched a tail since. Or a scallop.

I've been okay with my lack of seafood until now. Until this week.

This week, when siting down to eat breakfast- potatoes and egg (over-easy) I found myself thinking of baby chickens. Baby chickens. And me about to dig into a perfectly over-easy egg yolk. Being the staunch Brit I am, I dug in, chewed and willed myself not to think about fluffy yellow baby chickens. I made it through the egg.

This past Monday I found myself once again at the mercy of baby chicken imagery when offered a baked egg for breakfast by a dear friend (and Fine Cooking aficionado). Again, my staunch British side (and well-bred politeness) led me to close my eyes, swallow and....enjoy-ish. Thankfully they were hard-baked, and so reminded my less of baby chickens. This morning, as I pondered what to eat post-run for breakfast I once again was stuck in baby chicken mode.

So I had baked potato and baked beans. Not potato and egg. I ate supper for breakfast.

I'm not sure what's going on. I didn't become vegetarian because I'm an animal-loving softie. I like leather bags and shoes. I love cheese and milk. I love[d?] eggs. I became vegetarian nearly 3 years ago purely for reasons of health and ease post-cancer and new girlfriend (a veggie of 10+years who LOVES to cook). No other reason. So I'm having trouble understanding my recent distaste for seafood and eggs AND the live-animal imagery that is plaguing me when I try to eat either.

So what comes first: the chicken or the vegetarian? [Sadly?] in this case I think it's both. The chicken gets to have it's egg and the vegetarian, well, she gets to enjoy tofu-scrambles.

Where to start?

I'm home alone (an unusual situation for my current living situation) and enjoying a bach (aka "bachelor") night. Thus far "bach night" has consisted of shopping for 2hours (H&M I love you), a Purple Cactus tofu teryiaki wrap, red wine, and half a Mike's chocolate mousse cannoli (yum). I've also been watching Sex and the City for 90minutes now. I promise, this is a great bach night for me. I've been desperate for a night alone.

But, it's been interesting noting my thoughts/emotions throughout today and tonight.

Today was difficult. I was hungry, so I ate. I enjoyed everything I ate, but felt very non-WW. Non-points and a little guilty. Not great.

Then I went shipping. I drove from work in the burbs to downtown. Found parking and then found H&M. And then spent 1 hour and 45minutes shopping. Hurrah H&M. I felt sexy before I tried on anything and then, as I tried on dress after dress and shirt after shirt, I just felt sexier. I don't know if it was the decreasing number on the tag or my ass in the 3-way mirrors but man... it was good. But it made me realise that despite a difficult day eating: 1) I am doing well at WW, 2) I am 80lbs lighter than I was in 2004, 3) I am the same size I was in high school, 4) I can run better than I did in high school, 5) I'm beautiful (thank you Heather...and Peggy...for reminding me this week).

Still, after 5 episodes of Sex in the City including episodes concerning self-esteem/body image, sex, smoking (cigarettes), I feel myself identifying with lots of parts of the show. Between the (current) self-doubts and the (past) smoking addiction I wonder about my journey. Granted, it is a journey and I am riding it. Most days I'm positive, but I feel like I've set myself up. I want to be a certain weight/size by April. The wedding is in May and now, though I started WW in 2005, ended in 2006 and began again in 2009, and am 80lbs lighter, my journey feels different now. There's a deadline. A dress. A honeymoon in Paris. Should I be sexier? Thinner? Seems so as I've set myself up for that end- to reach my initial goal weight by the end of April 2010. And I wonder if I'm setting myself up by wanting this deadline.

I'm not sure how I think about this but I'm working through it. I'm running a race in March (5k/3.2miler) and then another in April (5miler). After that I'm not sure. But, I need to run and also ad on some yoga or zumba classes... something that's fun, exercise and social.

PS- though I'm enjoying the Jo-night, I ran into a friend earlier this evening who mentioned she was hanging out with 2 other friends tonight for dinner. I felt left out. Silly huh? But then I texted another friend about if she was in-state or out-of-state tonight and no response. So I wonder how much work I need to do...with myself so that I don't revert to negative behaviors when I'm alone, and with my friends so I'm more integrated. I've always wanted to be the person up for a coffee or dinner or a drink...and that was reached out to as much as I reach out. I need to work on that, for me.

P.I.A.

Being a recovering bulimic is a pain in the ass.

We arrived home in Boston today and I felt relief: to be home, where my mail is and bills are, where my dog's bed is and mine, where I can sit in the kitchen and know where every utensil belongs. It was nice to be home. After unpacking the car and starting laundry, Heather and I sat down to exchange more gifts and then started on bills and receipts while enjoying a glass of Cab (thank you neighbors). I called USCIS for a status update... not much progress. We prepped dinner and ate (thank you Cinny for enchiladas). And then I fell apart.

I was planning to enjoy a chocolate after dinner. Cinny bought us a box of white and milk assorted chocolates from See's. Lovely. Except there were peanuts and I'm allergic. So no chocolate. Big deal, right? Wrong. See, in the middle of leaving home (Georgia) and not sleeping and having a cold and having, as Heather correctly named it an "emotional attachment" to food, I began to cry. And not just crocodile tears...sobs. And I find myself, 30+mins later, still on the verge of tears.

I don't know if food would solve this problem. 80 lost pounds later I presume food, especially dessert, would not solve this problem. I'm tired. My body is worn down with a two-month old cold. And, most of all, I'm hurting. I left my family yesterday and I miss them already. It always happens like this- a few days of deep sadness post-leaving. Five years later, I'm still not good at leaving them. I buck and cry and cry and buck. Big kid.

Tonight was primed by leaving and triggered by food. Food, especially dessert, is my trigger. Rich cheesecake and gooey chocolate. Whipped cream. Ice cream. Cake. They remind me of home. Of comfort. Of caring. Of hands that baked and dished. Those that shared with me. Of nights alone when they didn't and I recreated alone. Baking and dishing and eating. Comforted.

A non-bulimic can't understand why it's such a big issue. Why I can't get over it or eat something else. A non-bulimic can't understand that in my head I've already made a decision (whether conscious or unconscious) to replace my feelings with "X", whether "X" is a See's chocolate or a cupcake or brownie or ice-cream. The choice and substitution has been made. Done. And when the substitution fails, then there's this emptiness. A desperation that begins because there's nothing to hold on to, to be comforted by. And a replacement doesn't work. If a See's chocolate = sublimated grief then how can a Hershey's kiss replace it just because it's there? If a replacement were an option it would have to be chosen. I have to choose to sublimate my grief with a "See's chocolate" or "Hershey's kiss". The grief is too important just to be replaced by whatever is available.

Then when I realize there's no replacement, that a See's chocolate is it or bust, I collapse. Cry in pieces on Heather's lap. Deep sobs. Whether for the grief of leaving or the grief of not eating chocolate I don't know. They're now one and the same. And I'm lost. No family. No chocolate. No replacement.

I'm sure this sounds crazy to the reader. It's a little crazy for me- now nearly 12 years since I first became bulimic- it's still crazy. And I'm writing it out so it's not in my head- alone. And because when I'm writing, I'm not eating. Or drinking. And though this is shameful, it's a better solution than feeding (literally) this demon that's a little crazy. A little shameful. And very real. Still, five years since my recovery began. Still very real.

energy

that's what I'm trying to find- in the midst of too little sleep, menstruation, and work. I have a vacation next week (a staycation in reality) and I'm hoping to find my energy then.

Part of it is a logistics problem. For a while I was too busy at work to think about extra energy. It was work, home, dog walk, sleep, work...Pretty boring and very exhausting. Now October is over and my first two schools are done for teaching (only two more to go this semester-yay!). Now I'm transitioning into the winter of the year and trying to recapture my spring energy. Really, things go so much easier for me in the spring- exercise and weight loss. I have less issue with motivation. Right now, I want to hibernate and eat baked goods, but it's really having a toll on my psyche and, I think, my energy. Which, if you follow the pattern around: hibernate, baked goods, sugar crash, no energy, hibernate, baked goods, sugar crash, no energy... doesn't lead to anything positive. And, my Nike MiniMe is creaming at me to go for a run; it's been a week. But I have no motivation to do it. I know, I should just stop this typing and run my ass to the treadmill. It's not going to happen though. 1 homemade pumpkin chocolate chip muffin and a half-caf for breakfast and I'm toast. Stupid decision. And I agonized over it for at least 45minutes...

So, this post is supposed to get me mentally psyched up. There's a race on Dec 13th in Somerville. It's only a 5k, but it would be a good run to work towards. It's $30 though and I can't sign up for that until the next paycheck hits. So...until then, here's a few steps to get me going.

1. Get girlfriend on board. Done. As I was typing this step, Heather called to say she loves me. :) That's the best call ever. And, we talked about training together for Dec 13th. Girlfriend is officially on board!

2. Nike Running Coach. Logging on I have a pang of guilt. My last run was 10/27- over 10 days ago. No wonder my MiniMe is pitching a fit every time my screensaver logs on. Ok, time to sign on to A Coach J Intermediate 5K training program. START DATE: THURS NOV 12th!

3. Public Commitment. Does typing all of this count? I think I'm on board and now you know it!