Where to start?

I'm home alone (an unusual situation for my current living situation) and enjoying a bach (aka "bachelor") night. Thus far "bach night" has consisted of shopping for 2hours (H&M I love you), a Purple Cactus tofu teryiaki wrap, red wine, and half a Mike's chocolate mousse cannoli (yum). I've also been watching Sex and the City for 90minutes now. I promise, this is a great bach night for me. I've been desperate for a night alone.

But, it's been interesting noting my thoughts/emotions throughout today and tonight.

Today was difficult. I was hungry, so I ate. I enjoyed everything I ate, but felt very non-WW. Non-points and a little guilty. Not great.

Then I went shipping. I drove from work in the burbs to downtown. Found parking and then found H&M. And then spent 1 hour and 45minutes shopping. Hurrah H&M. I felt sexy before I tried on anything and then, as I tried on dress after dress and shirt after shirt, I just felt sexier. I don't know if it was the decreasing number on the tag or my ass in the 3-way mirrors but man... it was good. But it made me realise that despite a difficult day eating: 1) I am doing well at WW, 2) I am 80lbs lighter than I was in 2004, 3) I am the same size I was in high school, 4) I can run better than I did in high school, 5) I'm beautiful (thank you Heather...and Peggy...for reminding me this week).

Still, after 5 episodes of Sex in the City including episodes concerning self-esteem/body image, sex, smoking (cigarettes), I feel myself identifying with lots of parts of the show. Between the (current) self-doubts and the (past) smoking addiction I wonder about my journey. Granted, it is a journey and I am riding it. Most days I'm positive, but I feel like I've set myself up. I want to be a certain weight/size by April. The wedding is in May and now, though I started WW in 2005, ended in 2006 and began again in 2009, and am 80lbs lighter, my journey feels different now. There's a deadline. A dress. A honeymoon in Paris. Should I be sexier? Thinner? Seems so as I've set myself up for that end- to reach my initial goal weight by the end of April 2010. And I wonder if I'm setting myself up by wanting this deadline.

I'm not sure how I think about this but I'm working through it. I'm running a race in March (5k/3.2miler) and then another in April (5miler). After that I'm not sure. But, I need to run and also ad on some yoga or zumba classes... something that's fun, exercise and social.

PS- though I'm enjoying the Jo-night, I ran into a friend earlier this evening who mentioned she was hanging out with 2 other friends tonight for dinner. I felt left out. Silly huh? But then I texted another friend about if she was in-state or out-of-state tonight and no response. So I wonder how much work I need to do...with myself so that I don't revert to negative behaviors when I'm alone, and with my friends so I'm more integrated. I've always wanted to be the person up for a coffee or dinner or a drink...and that was reached out to as much as I reach out. I need to work on that, for me.