It's a snowy sunday...

...and snowy Sundays lend themselves to a few must-do activities in my household:
1. shoveling
2. baking
3. cleaning the house
4. more shoveling

Sadly, snowy Sundays often lead to other activites, such as chasing my VERY naughty dog around the neighborhood as she romps in the snow, blatantly ignores and runs away from me, and almost commits suicide in front of numerous diligent Boston snow ploughs.

The not so great things that came out of the hell-dog chasing were:
1. numb fingers (I was gloveless and in PJ pants)
2. anger
3. taking that anger out on my dog
4. physically and verbally reincarnating my mum as I verbally laid into my dog and put her on her bed
5. did I mention lingering anger that's sat in my stomach all day (even through a super relaxing shower, sweeping and mopping all the floors, dishwashing, reading a book, and more sweeping)

In fact, the only decent thing that has come of that chasing escapade is that I burned off a few more points and so treated myself to a brunch of 1 whole wheat bluberry muffin AND 1 whole wheat raspberry muffin. And only for 8 points. Thankfully, I'd baked them before she decided to escape from my future sis-in-law.

And because they're so good and only 4 points each, I'm sharing the recipe (adapted from a recipe found at Michigan Live.com).

Berry Streusel Muffins (Makes 18 medium muffins)

Ingredients
For the muffins:
1/4 lb butter
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 cups whole wheat flour (sifted)
1tsp baking soda
1 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 cups light (or fat-free) sour cream
2 cups berries (I like to split the batter and make one batch with 1 cup frozen blueberries and one batch with 1 cup frozen raspberries)

For the streusel topping:
1/4 cup dark brown sugar
1/8 cup all-purpose flour
1 tbsp oats
1 tsp cinnamon
2 tbsp butter (softened)

Directions:
To make muffins:
1. Combine all ingredients (except sour cream and berries) in a large bowl. Use an electric mixer (or KitchenAide if you have one) to create a thick batter. Do not overmix.
2. Stir in sour cream with a wooden spoon.
3. If you are making a 1/2 blueberry and 1/2 raspberry recipe, divide the mixture into 2 separate bowls. Add in 1 cup berries to each bowl of batter.
4. Spoon 1 large dessert spoon of mix into muffin pans (either line pans with muffin cups or spray with non-stick cooking spray)

To make streusel topping:
1. Combine all ingredients in a bowl.
2. Mix with a pastry cutter or small whisk.
3. Top off each muffin with approx. 1 tsp of streusel.

Bake at 375degrees Farenheit for 20-25 minutes or until atoothpick inserted into muffin comes out clean.

Outcome: Each muffin =4-point YUMMY!

It's amazing how much writing calms me down. I feel my stomach anger-knot undoing as I type and you read this. Fantastic.

Back to scullery-maiding. Still have more dishes and countertops to do.

Weekends

Weekends throughout my young adult life have traditionally been marked by two nights & days of no-holes-barred behavior. It's the time of the week when I get to kick back and do all those things I can't get to during the work week- like napping, or hiking, taking my dog to the snowy arboretum (which we did today for a lovely walk off-leash), or shopping (when I have cash or an insatiable desire to burn dollars on credit).

All of these things aren't too bad for you (okay, shopping on credit is quesitonable)...but my no-holes-barred attitude on weekends also extends to food and drink. Yup. You guessed it- I'm a weekend binge-monger. It's the time of the week for nachos and beer at the local pub with a group of friends. For warm home-baked muffins, right out of the oven on a Sunday morning. It's glasses of red wine with cheese and crackers while cooking on a Saturday night. Splurging on a Starbucks grande non-fat mocha.

I had a no-holes-barred night last night. Red wine flowed freely from the bottle to the glass and from the glass to my lips. Glass after glass. I dined on uncontrolled portions of penne with shrimp in a white/wine tomato-heavy cream sauce. Followed up with chocolates (4 Hershey kisses, 1 Ferrero Rocher) and a caramel brownie bowl. I was uncontrollable.

In retrospect, it was a lot of calories, but not as terrible of a day as I used to have. But in the middle of it, I acted, ate, and drank with abandon. I felt like bingeing. I did binge. And I didn't try to record or think about WW or points (until this morning when I did go back and count everything. I know, I'm an overachiever by nature. I feel guilty when a task is incomplete or just shoddy work, and that includes WW journaling).

So what was it about last night? That I was at the end of my monthly menstrual-hell and craving all those sweet, salty, and alcoholic "bad" things? That I was falling into old weekender habits? That I was pretending to be "normal" and not a WW follower?

I don't know the reasoning for the behavior, but I do know that this morning my internal reaction to thinking about my Friday night foodmongering was, "Fuck." PAUSE. "I have 3 days until weigh-in." PAUSE. Groan. "Fuck."

And so today I've been on-target. But I'm still wondering- how am I going to enjoy my Saturday night without going over points? How will I feel like I'm living and taking advantage of my weekend if I can't eat and drink what I want? How will I relax?

Crazy? Well, it's my crazy-normal life right now. And how I anticipate it'll be for a while- at least while I kick these pounds and this program.

First week weigh-in complete...

and 4lbs gone. Hurrah!

What was all that worrying for? Though I expect I'll feel similarly concerned and pressured for a few weeks to come until I get used to the rhythm of weigh-ins again. I got to share the trick that worked for me last week: lots of "macks" (meal-snacks, or small meal portions) dispersed throughout the day and using the hunger chart (at least for the first few days). Both kept me in tune with what my body needed rather than simply what my brain desired.

And, I told my mum I joined up, which was a big debate for me. We've had a long shaky history with weight and weight-loss together. Starting with WW when I was about 9 or 10 years old. I used to think she loved me more when I was thinner- now I wonder if she feels successful as a mother and so loves herself a little more when I'm thinner. Whatever the case, I sometimes feel a little pressure (that has led down the path to bulimia on more than one occasion before) when discussing body/health/weight with mum. But, I'm giving us both a chance and we've set up parameters to only check-in once a week about it. I don't like to hide things from her, so I hope this makes it less stressful for me on that front.

Then I wrapped up my evening by coming home to freshly-cooked Roasted Winter Vegetable Lasagne, a la my honey. I'd worked out points for it in the morning so was easily able to direct her in dishing me up a slice that I enjoyed with a glass of white wine and followed-up with decaf tea and a truffle. Yum!

Tonight is my first book club night- I already know that there'll be cookies and brownies. But, I'm going prepared with hummus and carrots, my dinner (Oaxaca Tortilla with Black Bean Stew, Salsa & Sour Cream- yummy!), and enough points for 1 Brownie or I have an emergency 1 point WW Dark Chocolate Raspberry bar with me if I need to use my brownie points later on today for a snack. And, I've worked out already so feel great- have decided that am workouts are the best (though most mornings I'll have to get up earlier than today as I don't usually start my work day this late).

Anyhow, need to do the dishes before work. Till later.

Holidays are certainly joyous

And I enjoyed my winter holiday (to Long Island, then Georgia, and topped off in New Hampshire) very much. Too much perhaps if we're talking about my waistline. I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted it, and it resulted in a significant expansion of my waistline. Up to 196lbs.

So like other friends and family members around me. While Christmas passes, I am determined to keep up that "Tis' the season" attitude. Though, as the holiday season is passing, I have found myself stepping into another.

Tis' this season to join Weight Watchers.

Yes that's right folks. Weight Watchers. Despite all my protestations in earlier blogs (all 3 of them) that I need not set foot in a meeting, I joined up. And last Monday night, with 30 other people, embarked on that cattle-drive known as Momentum. Gotta love marketing companies and their fancy slogans.

Momentum. I've had it this week. I've counted and tracked and made "better" decisions. Discussed point options with my partner and written down point(s)-per-serving size portions in her recipe books. I've exercised at 5:45am (Preface: I never get up before 7am if I don't have to), chosen to walk through unshoveled snowstorm-wracked streets to my fiancee's birthday brunch (where I ordered a veggie omelet- that I extracted a lot of cheese from, demanded no toast, then barely touched the homefries), and been excited about shoveling my driveway post-brunch.

And now I'm scared.

Scared that tomorrow the scale will fail me. That I'll fail myself. That the momentum of this week won't translate into weight loss.

This is why I didn't want to sign-up for a meeting. Because if I walk in there and it's not on the scale, I've failed. Done something wrong. And I'm accountable. To the scale. To the person weighing me in. To the leader. To every other first week person I met last Monday. To the room full of WWers trying to lose weight with Momentum.

So tomorrow, I have to promise to eat as usual. I know starving doesn't help anyone. But, I know I'll want to close my eyes when I step on that scale. At 7pm, cross your fingers and hope that it doesn't berate me with bad numbers- I've been enjoying this momentum.