I broke my promise...

So, I said I wouldn't get on the scale before Thursday. I lied, and then I stepped on the scale anyway. It's like an addiction. I just can't help myself. Perhaps it would be better to embrace it than avoid it? I don't know. I feel like I often use the scale as a punishment. E.g., I know I've not "done well" this week in that I've not eated perfectly. But I have written things down and been more thoughtful. But it's like the scale is my test of how shitty I'm doing. Self-sabotage?

I knew I wasn't going to be perfect. I wanted to try and get into the swing of writing things down and thinking about what I'm eating, so that after the craziness of the semester ending and the holiday travel that I'll be able to launch into it. This is like my prep to being 100% on. Ideally I'd love to be 100% on now, but I know my life for the next couple of weeks and it ain't easy. I'm already behind at work because of sick days but am pretty much booked through vacation. So I'm trying not to schedule January so that I can play catch up.

Crossed fingers on the catch up... Though I just sojurned from typing to put "saved" days in my calendar. I'm pledging that next year will be less work-crazy so that I can lead a "normal life"... No more booking myself 13 & 14-hour long shifts. Especially multiple days in a row. I may try a 10-6pm general schedule so that I can work out in the morning. I ran tonight- mainly because I also ate cookies today and then stepped on the scale. Still 191. At least I'm not up. My partner and I drank 2 bottles of wine over 2 nights this week. Crazy. We're living up our free time together.

Anyhow- had a shitty trip to the H&M. Nothing fit. Which was good for my wallet (that is empty thanks to the good ol' DOE grad school loan repayments). Really, how do they expect you to ever pay off an MSW or MPH? You get paid crap for a salary.

Argh. Argh. Argh. Just feel tense tonight. Well... that means I should run more I guess. Not tonight, but tomorrow morning to work out this adrenaline.

Later.

Preface to a saturday evening in

Thursday came and went. I weighed in, but I didn't weigh in here. I told you not to expect much from me. I'm inconsistent and overworked. Seriously, I walked in to a 14 hour day Thursday and a 11.5 hour day Friday. Gotta love non-profit.

I know that high cortisol levels have been linked to increased obesity and decreased ability to lose weight. Could my job be keeping me fat?

Could be. But, I'm sure it's helped along by my eating and exercise habits.

Positive: I have tracked points for Thurs, Fri and Sat.

Negative: I did go over my points on Thurs and Fri.

Positive: I still have weekly flex points left.

Negative: I'm planning on blowing a few tonight on a cheesy biscuit and wine.

Positive: At least I'm still tracking this stuff.

So, I weighed in at 191. I weighed myself this morning and was 190. I know, I know. Weight fluctuates. It could be a fluke. My goal now is NOT to weigh myself until Thursday morning. We'll see how that goes.

My second goal is to go step on that treadmill I purchased and burn some cortisol. :)

Til then.

The preface

I never thought I'd be one to write a blog, much less one entitled, "A big lass weighs in..." But, this is the age of self-professed and published sins, so I'm jumping on the onlinewagon. At least for now.

I've been the girl with the pretty face for about 26years now. In between bouts of fasting and feasting, I've been the girl with the pretty body. It's been awhile.

Not that things have been terrible. I hit my personal venti-size almost five years ago when I hit 248.6lbs. Yes, I remember the .6lbs that showed up on the scale when I registered at Weight Watchers that January 2004. With WW, I shifted about 50lbs in 8 months, and then dropped another 10lbs in the 6 months following. And for the past four years I've stabilized, sliding between 183-190lbs (with a one-time post-tonsilitis low of 175lbs).

I've been "satisfied." At first, proud that for the first time in my adult life I wasn't see-sawing between tens and tens of pounds. Proud that I'd battled past the bulimia of my high school and compulsive overeating of my college years. Proud that I could maintain a "steady" weight for the past few years.

But, now it's not enough. I'm not comfortable in this plus-sized body anymore. So, I'm weighing in. And, yes, I'm heading back to the tried and true Weight Watchers program. I need something that I can slip into- that's challenging but comforting- and, if necessary, forgiving.

Tonight's the preface. Tomorrow's the weigh-in.

Yes, I may be silly to start this before the travel and celebration that will hapen for me and my family this December. I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I can't postpone this longer.

Also, so I don't set myself up for blogging-failure. You should know that I've never kept a blog. Never read other blogs regularly. So don't expect multiple posts-per-day. Life's too busy and I'm just starting out. But, I'm hoping that by putting this out there, that I'll coach myself through these next 50lbs AND hold myself accountable.

And perhaps I'll create a few laughs along the way. Til tomorrow.