Coming out femme

You know those days when it's absolutely necessary that you wear the sexy undies,paint your lips crimson, pull on the heels, or wear the sparkly jewelry? That'swhere I'm at today.

Today is National Coming OutDay (NCAD)- a day during which gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer folks around theglobe have the opportunity to shout out loud about their identities. It's a dayfor those of us who can come out safely to do so in social and politicalprotest- to be a voice for those who cannot. It's a day for those of us whocannot come out to see that there others like us. It's a day for our straightand cis-gendered allies to come out with their love and support.

This coming out day, I'mthinking about identity. In the spring of 2001 I began coming out (and by that Imean I began making out with girls at theater cast parties). By December of 2001 I'd told my mother. By February of 2002 my father and brother also knew.At that point, I came out as a lesbian although today I identify as queer.

Today, I'm thinking less aboutmy queer identity and more about my queer femme identity.

My progress on Weight Watchers this week has beenminimal. I'm tracking as best as I can, and trying not to give myself too muchgrief about it. I'm not losing weight so far this week. I know that this is aprocess and yet today is one of those days when the femme in me desperatelywishes that all those pretty dresses and skirts that I have in my closet fitlike a glove instead of like a straitjacket (or not at all as the case is with many of them). I wish I could twirl in the mirror and love every ounce of methat I see in my reflection. It's one of those days when I want to be taken outdancing or for a walk along the beach-completely femmed out and loving it.

In my rational brain, I know thatfemme doesn't equal thin. But in my feeling heart, I struggle not to equate thetwo. I question how I can hold my femme identity when I don't sit well in mybody. I worry that by not believing in my femme-self when the scales tipheavier and my curves are curvier (in all the "wrong" places ofcourse) that I cannot truly be "out" as a femme.  

Basically, I don't know how toalign my liberal queer, my femme, my "chubby kid", and myrecovering-bulimic identities. I get tangled up in media and history and"should" and "sexy" and fear.

What to do in the meantime?

Well, today, I've decided to comeout. While I haven't figured out all my femme-definitions and I don'tget to go on that date today, thismorning I pulled on the pencil skirt, purposefully chose my femme-undies, andpainted my lips crimson. Femme red.

Today, I'm coming out femme. Because she's there insideof me and wants to come out to play. Because I know there are other ladies likeme who are struggling with femme identity and body size. Because I do have thecapacity to use my voice. Because it is safe to do so. And, because I like myselfall femmed out.