Sunday, August 15, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Weighing the consequences
For the past few weeks I've been struggling with the desire to write a real post ("real" being defined as 1. more than a mobile update and 2. an honest account of the current state of affairs) while feeling self-protective.
Some days I wonder if this blog is a good idea. I'm not a bare-my-soul to strangers type of gal by nature. I'm generally preemptively-protective, concerned about my reputation and the capacity of others to use my experiences against me, more likely to reveal less about myself and ask more about the other person. Yet, I started this blog two years ago and while my motivations may have changed slightly over the last two years, I find myself resonating with one of my original intentions: to share my process with weight so that I could create accountability for myself. Over time, I have also come to value this space as one that has spurred commentary in others. Interestingly, most folks who have read this blog and felt personally touched have emailed/messaged me individually instead of commenting on the blog. Few people have signed up as readers though I've been told that they're reading this. This lends me to think about why and leads me to identify a discovered motivation for writing this blog AND one of the main reasons I'm finding it difficult to write a "real" post: shame.
We all know that weight-related issues, eating disorders, exercise patterns, and weight itself are common conversations, especially for women. Our magazines are filled with commentary on weight-loss plans to "drop pounds fast!" and exercise routines to "blast belly fat" and "create lean lines". We are less desirable as new hires if we are overweight. If we are obese and happen to pick up a candy bar at the grocery store checkout aisle or drive-thru the Dairy Queen for a cone, we risk derisive commentary for strangers. Twisted faces and loud whispers about our weight, our size, our choices. Or, as I experiences this past April when picking out a couple of desserts from the Roche Bros bakery counter, a passive-aggressive tirade from a middle-aged white man on the addictive effects of sugar. Really. He must have thought that I don't listen to NPR.
There's a lot of shame attached to weight. You could say that weight weighs heavily on many of us. Not all. I have met some amazing fat-positive people, and I admire many of them and oft wonder how they manage to hold their framework in the face of such anti-fat social commentary. But for the rest of us we're held in check by shame.
I've often wondered why weight is difficult for me. I'm accomplished in other areas. Scholastically I've succeeded in achieving two Master-level degrees. I anticipate a PhD someday. I am accomplished in my work. I create strong relationships. I have a solid partnership with my wife. Why can't I crack this weight thing? No matter how I frame this issue as a "process" and convince myself that it's okay to tread slowly through weight-loss and maintenance, I too feel shamed. Shamed that today, I'm 10lbs heavier than I was at the end of May before my wedding. Shamed, that 18 months after joining WW the last time, I've only lost 25lbs (mainly because of my 10lb weight gain. I was down to 35 lbs lost). Shamed that I've not figured this out yet. Shamed that I need to admit that, still.
But, this shame is also one of my found motivations for writing this blog. I want to break down shame for others by sharing my story. I am sad that most folks do not comment and instead message me privately. I'm sad that I don't have many public followers (though this may also be because my posts are not that interesting!). But, for those few I know are reading and the ones that have been in touch and are struggling with this issue too, I want to break that silence open. And, I suppose that if that means I shame myself in the process a bit then so be in. Perhaps I can reframe the shaming consequence as a lesson in humility.
Some days I wonder if this blog is a good idea. I'm not a bare-my-soul to strangers type of gal by nature. I'm generally preemptively-protective, concerned about my reputation and the capacity of others to use my experiences against me, more likely to reveal less about myself and ask more about the other person. Yet, I started this blog two years ago and while my motivations may have changed slightly over the last two years, I find myself resonating with one of my original intentions: to share my process with weight so that I could create accountability for myself. Over time, I have also come to value this space as one that has spurred commentary in others. Interestingly, most folks who have read this blog and felt personally touched have emailed/messaged me individually instead of commenting on the blog. Few people have signed up as readers though I've been told that they're reading this. This lends me to think about why and leads me to identify a discovered motivation for writing this blog AND one of the main reasons I'm finding it difficult to write a "real" post: shame.
We all know that weight-related issues, eating disorders, exercise patterns, and weight itself are common conversations, especially for women. Our magazines are filled with commentary on weight-loss plans to "drop pounds fast!" and exercise routines to "blast belly fat" and "create lean lines". We are less desirable as new hires if we are overweight. If we are obese and happen to pick up a candy bar at the grocery store checkout aisle or drive-thru the Dairy Queen for a cone, we risk derisive commentary for strangers. Twisted faces and loud whispers about our weight, our size, our choices. Or, as I experiences this past April when picking out a couple of desserts from the Roche Bros bakery counter, a passive-aggressive tirade from a middle-aged white man on the addictive effects of sugar. Really. He must have thought that I don't listen to NPR.
There's a lot of shame attached to weight. You could say that weight weighs heavily on many of us. Not all. I have met some amazing fat-positive people, and I admire many of them and oft wonder how they manage to hold their framework in the face of such anti-fat social commentary. But for the rest of us we're held in check by shame.
I've often wondered why weight is difficult for me. I'm accomplished in other areas. Scholastically I've succeeded in achieving two Master-level degrees. I anticipate a PhD someday. I am accomplished in my work. I create strong relationships. I have a solid partnership with my wife. Why can't I crack this weight thing? No matter how I frame this issue as a "process" and convince myself that it's okay to tread slowly through weight-loss and maintenance, I too feel shamed. Shamed that today, I'm 10lbs heavier than I was at the end of May before my wedding. Shamed, that 18 months after joining WW the last time, I've only lost 25lbs (mainly because of my 10lb weight gain. I was down to 35 lbs lost). Shamed that I've not figured this out yet. Shamed that I need to admit that, still.
But, this shame is also one of my found motivations for writing this blog. I want to break down shame for others by sharing my story. I am sad that most folks do not comment and instead message me privately. I'm sad that I don't have many public followers (though this may also be because my posts are not that interesting!). But, for those few I know are reading and the ones that have been in touch and are struggling with this issue too, I want to break that silence open. And, I suppose that if that means I shame myself in the process a bit then so be in. Perhaps I can reframe the shaming consequence as a lesson in humility.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Knees, chiropractors, car crashes and cupcakes
What a lot to catch up on.
I'm glad I ran today. I made it to 4.6 miles, which is a blessing as over the past couple of months I've been experiencing crippling knee pain when running. And, thanks to my wonderful chiropractor, I may have a solution: shoes.
Now, I was fitted for my running shoes at a reputed running store here in Boston. They fit lovely at first try, but after 3 weeks of foot-time I was concerned that they weren't as comfy as my last pair. Too late to return them I plodded along from mid-April through mid-May blaming achy legs and numb feet on my badly out-of-alignment back. And, with a wedding our wedding in May my mileage decreased anyway (and I had about 3 weeks off).
So forward to mid-June. Wedding over. Honeymoon over. And I'm 7lbs heavier and back on the pavement. I've started going to a chiropractor to correct my back and the arm numbness and dizziness I've been experiencing progressively since Jan 2010 is disappearing. The aches in my back are lessening. The knots are releasing. And my knee is killing me. My right knee.
As my back is getting fixed and my hips are aligned I find that I can't run without intense knee pain past 1.5miles. Not great at all. So I switch to a run-walk combination thinking that my newly even hips are affecting my gait and I just need to ease into it. No matter if I'm walking or running it's painful after 1.5miles. And, though each visit I leave the chiropractor with flying colors on my strength test (left and right sides) when I return after a few days off I'm still consistently failing my strength tests on my right leg despite the lessened back pain/new equilibrium.
And then my chiropractor asks me to bring in my shoes. My new shoes that are only 3 months old and have seen only 9 weeks of running or so. No more than 130 miles. We talk about my issues and my chiropractor adjusts my back. We run strength tests on both legs. Passed with flying colors. He asks me to put on my work sandals and walk back and forth across the waiting room floor. We do strength tests. I pass with flying colors again. He asks me to put on my running shoes and walk back and forth across the waiting room floor (once). We do strength tests and he watches my gait. I fail all the right leg strength tests. I feel like crying.
And so he looks at my shoes. First, he points out that the right one looks like the heel is sloping in toward the left shoe. Next, he tests their shocks by tapping on the back of the heel. The left shoes bounces slightly back/forth in response. The right jumps around back/forth and left/right. Aha. He says. Structural issues with the shoe.
So I go back to said well reputed running store to be fitted again because I trust their fittings. One bum pair of shoes does not turn me off from being a customer. I'm fitted and tell my story as I'm there. I get 15% off the new shoes (nice!).
So, I'm now 2 weeks and 4 runs into the new pair. The first two runs were a little shaky as I got used to the new fit and lacing. My left knee and right knee both hurt a little after the first 2 runs, but eased after icing. Although after run 2 I did feel significant pain the next day. These last two runs (yesterday- 2.3miles and today- 4.6miles) were golden. No pain. None at all. I've proactively iced the right knee just in case. But no ibuprofen has been necessary. No wincing has occurred. It feels like a miracle. I've not run over 4miles since May (the Charles River 7.5miler was cancelled; and I didn't attend the 5k but ran on the treadmill instead). This gives me hope for the Sproul 10k in August.
So, was it the shoes? I'm thinking so and am hoping today signals future success and pain-free running. Watch this space for updates.
With Knees and chiropractors down, time to touch on the car crashes and cupcakes.
This short of it is that I was in a wreck this afternoon. My car suffered significant front end damage so now is at the body shop in JP and I am car-less. Thankfully we're headed down Cape for a few days and I have rental coverage for work next week if necessary. But really? My car.... it's my work lifeline.
Part of me wants it to be totaled so I can get that dog-accessible vehicle our household needs. The other part of me hopes that its fixable and all covered so I don't have to find down payment monies. So crossed fingers.
I'm typing glibly about the whole affair now; mainly because it's been a couple of hours and the claims process has started. But also because I made the conscious decision to self-soothe with a Sugar cupcake and a glass of red wine. It's likely bad to self-soothe with food and alcohol, but I was definitely not up for another run and too shaky for my bike. So I opted for food and Facebook (uploading wedding photos) and am feeling pulled together enough to pack for our trip.
I'll dive into the ramifications of food-soothing on another post I'm sure. For now, I don't want to go too deep with it, but note that it is an effective coping method under significant distress. At least for me. And by Friday I'll be back to running with my non-gimpy knee!
I'm glad I ran today. I made it to 4.6 miles, which is a blessing as over the past couple of months I've been experiencing crippling knee pain when running. And, thanks to my wonderful chiropractor, I may have a solution: shoes.
Now, I was fitted for my running shoes at a reputed running store here in Boston. They fit lovely at first try, but after 3 weeks of foot-time I was concerned that they weren't as comfy as my last pair. Too late to return them I plodded along from mid-April through mid-May blaming achy legs and numb feet on my badly out-of-alignment back. And, with a wedding our wedding in May my mileage decreased anyway (and I had about 3 weeks off).
So forward to mid-June. Wedding over. Honeymoon over. And I'm 7lbs heavier and back on the pavement. I've started going to a chiropractor to correct my back and the arm numbness and dizziness I've been experiencing progressively since Jan 2010 is disappearing. The aches in my back are lessening. The knots are releasing. And my knee is killing me. My right knee.
As my back is getting fixed and my hips are aligned I find that I can't run without intense knee pain past 1.5miles. Not great at all. So I switch to a run-walk combination thinking that my newly even hips are affecting my gait and I just need to ease into it. No matter if I'm walking or running it's painful after 1.5miles. And, though each visit I leave the chiropractor with flying colors on my strength test (left and right sides) when I return after a few days off I'm still consistently failing my strength tests on my right leg despite the lessened back pain/new equilibrium.
And then my chiropractor asks me to bring in my shoes. My new shoes that are only 3 months old and have seen only 9 weeks of running or so. No more than 130 miles. We talk about my issues and my chiropractor adjusts my back. We run strength tests on both legs. Passed with flying colors. He asks me to put on my work sandals and walk back and forth across the waiting room floor. We do strength tests. I pass with flying colors again. He asks me to put on my running shoes and walk back and forth across the waiting room floor (once). We do strength tests and he watches my gait. I fail all the right leg strength tests. I feel like crying.
And so he looks at my shoes. First, he points out that the right one looks like the heel is sloping in toward the left shoe. Next, he tests their shocks by tapping on the back of the heel. The left shoes bounces slightly back/forth in response. The right jumps around back/forth and left/right. Aha. He says. Structural issues with the shoe.
So I go back to said well reputed running store to be fitted again because I trust their fittings. One bum pair of shoes does not turn me off from being a customer. I'm fitted and tell my story as I'm there. I get 15% off the new shoes (nice!).
So, I'm now 2 weeks and 4 runs into the new pair. The first two runs were a little shaky as I got used to the new fit and lacing. My left knee and right knee both hurt a little after the first 2 runs, but eased after icing. Although after run 2 I did feel significant pain the next day. These last two runs (yesterday- 2.3miles and today- 4.6miles) were golden. No pain. None at all. I've proactively iced the right knee just in case. But no ibuprofen has been necessary. No wincing has occurred. It feels like a miracle. I've not run over 4miles since May (the Charles River 7.5miler was cancelled; and I didn't attend the 5k but ran on the treadmill instead). This gives me hope for the Sproul 10k in August.
So, was it the shoes? I'm thinking so and am hoping today signals future success and pain-free running. Watch this space for updates.
With Knees and chiropractors down, time to touch on the car crashes and cupcakes.
This short of it is that I was in a wreck this afternoon. My car suffered significant front end damage so now is at the body shop in JP and I am car-less. Thankfully we're headed down Cape for a few days and I have rental coverage for work next week if necessary. But really? My car.... it's my work lifeline.
Part of me wants it to be totaled so I can get that dog-accessible vehicle our household needs. The other part of me hopes that its fixable and all covered so I don't have to find down payment monies. So crossed fingers.
I'm typing glibly about the whole affair now; mainly because it's been a couple of hours and the claims process has started. But also because I made the conscious decision to self-soothe with a Sugar cupcake and a glass of red wine. It's likely bad to self-soothe with food and alcohol, but I was definitely not up for another run and too shaky for my bike. So I opted for food and Facebook (uploading wedding photos) and am feeling pulled together enough to pack for our trip.
I'll dive into the ramifications of food-soothing on another post I'm sure. For now, I don't want to go too deep with it, but note that it is an effective coping method under significant distress. At least for me. And by Friday I'll be back to running with my non-gimpy knee!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Catching up.
Phew. How time has flown by although it feels like life went on hold for a little while there. Though I'm sure that's because my head, heart, and hands were held hostage by my (now) wife and my wedding.
The wedding was lovely and after we scurried away to Paris for 10 days before returning to a long weekend in Maine. I'm now (technically) back at work (I'm out ill with an ear infection today and awaiting doctor care) and trying to find an even keel.Health and wellness went out the window before the wedding. Apart from completing the Marblehead 5k and the occasional run, I was focused only on not gaining more than a pound or two so I could fit in the dress! These women who lose weight before their weddings naturally are an enigma to me. Under stress I eat and drink; no weight lost for me unless under the duress of Weight Watchers.
My WW membership also expired before I went out of town so I have to sign up again. I thought about not doing so and taking the summer off, but after my last 3 days at home I'm convinced that I have a wee bit of a sugar addiction that needs corralling. Subtext: my eating habits are veering on out-of-control and I don't have the willpower to go it alone. So I'm re-upping the membership next Monday night and will be back on the train (I think a good 8lbs heavier than from my last post thanks to wedding cake and Paris). But, as I've mentioned on this site a few times now, this is a process for me. I didn't become overweight overnight and I'm damn sure that I wouldn't be happy with a life in which wedding cake and treats were banned completely. I just need some structure.
It's funny how bulimia continues to rear it's ugly head for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bingeing or purging in the way of my past-self or active bulimia. But, the inability to listen to my body and respond appropriately to hunger or stress or boredome is an eerily familiar situation. My ear is sore, so I ate cake today. I was stressed on Monday, so I had chocolate. I was tired and hungry due to missing a proper dinner last night, so I ate cheese and ice-cream. Not the best choices, but at least I'm identifying that there's a potential problem there. And I'm not too ashamed to admit it and ask for help. Thank you WW and wifey for that.
It's not been all bad. I've been eating blanaced breakfasts and lunches. I've found I love lowfat Greek yoghurt thanks to a Parisian brunch we enjoyed. And, it's rasberry season so I'm ready to enjoy lots of sweet fruit + tangy yoghurt treats.
I did lift on Monday and ran today. My mini-Me practically jumped off my screen when recording my mileage; it's been so long she was perfecting paddleball. It was slow going after 3 weeks off, but I'm starting at least. (Though the 7.5 miler is next Sunday and I may have to run-walk it, which is disappointing). Talking about races, here's where it stands now:
Completed:
March 14, Somerville Ras 5k
April 11, Doyles 5 miler
May 15, Marblehead Beach to Beach 5k: I broke the 10min/mile record with a 9:54 avg pace!!!
Upcoming:
June 27, New Charles River Run 7.5 miler
Aug 15, Alvin Sproul Samoset 10k
Sept 16, Somerville Mardis Gras 4.2miler
Sept ??, Waltham 5k
So I'm taking July off because I may end up doing a lot of treadmill workouts (I'm not heat friendly), but am keeping myself on course with a few races dotted about. So we'll see. There's also a new workout plan I've started for 10k training that has the potential to carry over into half-marathon training. If I decide to go that route the long-run training would begin this fall (October-ish) when it's cooled down a bit. Watch this space.
Okay, off to doc's office for official diagnosis and, hopefully, meds. Running is so much easier when you're in balance!
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