A letter to you- and myself.

***Warning: This blog post purposefully uses the term "fat" throughout the writing. This is not intended to be pejorative but a reclamation of the term as I navigate my own dialogue with body and weight. If this language is a trigger for you, please be aware.

Dear fat girls,

Have you ever just wanted to disappear into yourself? Have you  second-guessed yourself and your body so much that you're not sure it's even yours anymore? Welcome to my summer.

I started off this summer in a wonderful way -going to the gym each day, eating thoughtfully even if not healthily, appreciating what my body could do as much as it looks, and generally being aware of my needs and wants.

And then life got in the way, as it often does. And, as the summer progressed, I found myself avoiding those things I'd instituted into my life that were for my *self*. And the weight that I'd gained overnight this spring when I was put on a new medication just kept increasing. Eventually, I found myself at a new number - one I haven't been at for 5 years.

And, while I've been acknowledging to myself that *I* am more than this new number, and acknowledging that life has gotten in the way, and forgiving myself all of that, I still feel shame. A person close to me noted just this week that I haven't been blogging. I admitted that it's because I'm ashamed of how I am right now - of my size and of my struggle. I feel vulnerable and it's uncomfortable to talk about that vulnerability publicly.

Yet over my years of blogging, I have been both proud of and found it helpful to talk publicly about these issues. There are far too few spaces in which we can truly talk about our bodies without being shamed (much less without feeling internalized shame and fat-phobia). There are far too few places where we can be vulnerable without fear of negative social, personal, or professional consequence.

For me, as a queer, femme woman, there is also an inherent tension  between my identity and the social expectation that my femme body be slim, curvy and, essentially, airbrushed. This leads to all sorts of discomfort in identity: If I'm not slim then am I femme? If I'm femme do I have to be slim? If my curves aren't hourglass, are they attractive? Should I care? If I don't feel comfortable in my body how do I embody my identity- the femininity of femme?

And then I get pulled down rabbit holes of questions and concerns- often becoming overwhelmed and ashamed. This summer reflected that pattern for me.

People don't often comment publicly on this blog. Instead they reach out to me privately via email or in person to tell me that they're struggling with the same issues I'm writing about. These people are my friends, my colleagues, and my family. I realize that by writing publicly about my struggles, that I am giving voice to those who cannot comment publicly. And yet I've still been afraid to do so this summer.

Yesterday I was forwarded  a video that's going viral about a news anchor who was "called out" on being fat by a viewer. She used that opportunity to make a public statement about the discrimination and bullying of fat people. While I appreciated her commentary on bullying, what resonated the most about the video was the moment where she asked that viewer if he truly thinks that she doesn't know she is overweight.

I wanted to simultaneously applaud and cry at that point because that's the story of my life. People assume that because you're overweight you don't know any better. Or, better yet, that you just don't try hard enough. They assume that you're lazy, that losing weight is easy physically and emotionally, and that if you don't you lose weight then you must not want it enough. But they don't know about your life, your history, or your body.

I have struggled with the weight of weight for all of my life. It gets easier over time and yet it's always difficult. As I find myself coming into this fall -once again overweight and struggling- I have to remember that this is a journey and for me it needs to be a public journey. I gain personal strength by acknowledging to myself and to my community the struggles that I navigate through each day. And, I draw strength from the encouragements I receive when I hear other people's challenges. I also hope that my blogging contributes to unraveling the silent shame that accompanies fat-phobia and sexism. And I hope if makes folks feel like they're not alone.

So, I'm picking up the pen again (so to speak) and as I move through this fall and you can expect to see more writing from me about identity, body, shame, pride, eating, and feeling. And, yes, I'll be talking about this process even when I feel vulnerable for all the fat girls (and guys) out there.

The beauty of doing the thing that makes you break a little...

I cried at the end of my first ever spin class today. Call it adrenaline Call it relief. Call it letting everything inside move out through my legs and arms for 45 minutes to thankfully-louder-than-my-thoughts pop-rock Call it release.

I truly believe that my journey to this spin class has taken me my whole adult life. Because, whereas in the past I've pushed myself to workout, to run, to lift because I wanted to be something else (thinner, fitter, stronger, more successful, envied, looked up to...) today I took this class because I wanted to experience something new. To experience myself. To believe in myself. And, perhaps, to love myself a little more.

Currently, I'm not the fittest I've ever been. Nor the strongest. Nor the most successful. That is, if we're judging those attributes by weight or body mass or muscle. Today, in spin class, I redefined those words if only for 45 minutes.

Fit is being healthy with myself: holding a healthy view of my needs, wants, fears, capabilities, and joys.
Strength is believing in myself: listening to my voice and, sometimes, giving in and letting go.
Successful is in living: loving myself, trusting myself, being.

So, I cried in spin class today. I loved every damn moment of those 45-minutes- including the tears. And, after, I went up to the instructor and thanked her; with tears in my eyes, the biggest smile on my face, and peace running through mind and body. Beautiful.

Catching up

I've not posted here for a long time- mainly because there's been a lot of transition + somewhat because said transition has wreaked havoc on my body (there's some shame in the latter)

Just over a month ago I applied for, interviewed, then accepted a new job. I've taken myself in a direction that I was able to explore in my last position and wanted to realize more- development. And now I find myself, a fledgling Director of Development, becoming used to a new way of working and living.

I've only been in the job a week and there are certain things I miss. I do enjoy my new coworkers but have left some good friends behind and feel that absence.

Being 1 of 3 women in the agency and the only one in my office is also a drastic change. There's no asking for emergency tampons or talking with that female rhythm. I've not been the minority gender since high school... so a change.

I'm also missing some everyday things- a lunchroom + co-workers who eat lunch together (have eaten out a lot this week), a water bubbler (brought in a brita), conference rooms, and computer speakers (I work so much better to bluegrass).

All of these things (+ the lead up to leaving) have led me to forget my eating and exercise rhythm. The pattern of self care I integrated into my daily routine.

I know the transition is leveling out and next week offers the opportunity for continued balance. There's a YMCA close by that I can workout at during lunch (hurrah!); I just need to bust through my fear and go. On good weather days I can bike in (9 miles) with my honey. I can find places to lunch outside. I can find speakers.

I'm loving the new challenges: writing the year-end appeal, finding a venue for Pride brunch, designing my first save the date,  beginning to learn my way around the donor database (all in week 1). I'm asking a lot of questions ("what's the password again?", "hold on, what function did you use?") but am confident I'll remember it all soon.

And, in between, I have to figure out a new routine for self care- a concept and practice I truly believe in (thanks to REACH and Maureen). This care must stretch from work hours to workouts, lunch to snacks, treats out to financial savings, and continue the connection with those I no longer get to see everyday.

Basically, it has to prioritize me.

For the last 3 weeks of my previous job I prioritized the agency; wanting to leave everything wrapped up well, wanting to reassure my co-workers that I wasn't abandoning them. Overall, not the best self care move. This week has been about figuring out my new environment and learning how to make it supportive of my needs. Now I've identified strategies that I just need to put into place.

So, I'm building anew this summer. Going to reclaim my time, mind and my body (and those pants that are a little too right now thanks to this last month). And, will keep this updated with my learnings along the way.

rowing = meditation

rowing = meditation

meditation = Zen

Zen = calm

calm = happy

happy = yes

I may have found a new favorite gym activity.

Mission Workout: Phase 1 complete!

I joined the West Roxs YMCA tonight. Arrived at 7:30pm and enjoyed a thorough tour by Rich (who is the best welcome wagon you could ask for) before signing up and paying my joining fee.

By 8:30pm I was on the upright bike for my first workout- 22mins + 5 miles of fun. Yes, fun. One of their sets of bikes have built in screens and reactive seats + handlebars. You cycle a course like you would in real life, or at an arcade but you're powering the action! It was awesome! My butt hurt after a while though so I switched to a hilly treadmill walk for 10mins + 1.3 miles. My right IT band gave me some problems so had to stop and stretch. Also wanted to vomit after 15 mins of walking but I think this was because I was hungry (the last thing I ate was chocolate at 4pm-bad move).

Signed up for first free training session of 3. I'll be meeting Nora next Tuesday at 7am. Yes, a.m. as in ridiculously early. But she was highly praised as a trainer and I thought what the hell, this may jumpstart me back to early mornings.

So, awesome night overall (minus the nausea). Came home at 9:20pm to toast and a faux  chikin patty. Not really balanced but all my tummy could manage. Will have to work on scheduling my meals/snacks better.

Tummy feels better now and am heading to bed.  Next gym date- tomorrow after work :)

Changing strategy

This past week I took a quick trip (Mon-Sat) to Georgia to see the family. It was self-care heaven. Not only did I get to be with my family bit I got to invest in myself.

The week started off with a massage & pedicure (thanks to mum) and continued with daily gym visits and a trip to the driving range with dad. Although I've been enviously commenting on my wife's gym membership and midday buddy-runs for months now, I didn't realise how much I missed the gym and the fitness company of strangers until I was there.

In January I re-invested in Weight Watchers meetings, but have found myself unmotivated by their content. And, until last week, I struggled to prioritize and enjoy exercise. I've still managed to lose a few pounds but feel dissatisfied with my self and the process. So, now I'm changing my strategy.

This week I'm getting rid of my ww membership and joining a gym with the money I'll save. I'm going to visit the west roxbury ymca tonight. It has cardio & weight machines, pool access and fitness classes all for the sum of $50/mo. It's an investment but there's no contract so of something changes at work (like it did last year) I'll still be okay financially. It's also only 5-7 mins from the houseand has free parking...major pluses.

So, keep your fingers crossed that I like the ymca! I'll still need to work on prioritizing gym time, but I think that the fitness options and energy of my fellow gym goers will make that more of an excitement and less of a hassle.

And, I'm going to work on posting thoughts more frequently here!

Super fabulous self care morning

This morning has just been perfect. I woke up fairly on timeso I could pack my morning off with self care to dos.

First up, a long  walk with Bryce and her soccer ball. We both enjoyed the sunshine, leaves and brisk weather while Bruce also enjoyed running about like a mad thing!

Next, three miles on the treadmill for me followed by a good stretch and a long hot shower.  Felt sooooo good after this routine!

Then a date with myself at Sugar for brunch. In addition to enjoying my egg biscuit and homefries, I paid my bills (blessed be smart phones!) and  smiled a lot while writing a few christmas cards.

After, a stop by the post office to send some holiday cheer  before heading to the car wash. Armed wth quarters, armour all and a car wash coupon, I spent 30 blissful minutes car cleaning. Cost of car vac: $3.50.  Clean car satisfaction: priceless.

And now I'm home with 50mins to finish packing before I head to pick up the wife, dog in tow, for a friend-filled winter wonderland weekend (read tree trimming, cookie decorating,  black and white christmas movies, shared meals,  and holiday shopping). Fun fun fun!!!