A big lass weighs in...

Super fabulous self care morning

2011-12-09T13:12:00.001-05:00

This morning has just been perfect. I woke up fairly on timeso I could pack my morning off with self care to dos.

First up, a long walk with Bryce and her soccer ball. We both enjoyed the sunshine, leaves and brisk weather while Bruce also enjoyed running about like a mad thing!

Next, three miles on the treadmill for me followed by a good stretch and a long hot shower. Felt sooooo good after this routine!

Then a date with myself at Sugar for brunch. In addition to enjoying my egg biscuit and homefries, I paid my bills (blessed be smart phones!) and smiled a lot while writing a few christmas cards.

After, a stop by the post office to send some holiday cheer before heading to the car wash. Armed wth quarters, armour all and a car wash coupon, I spent 30 blissful minutes car cleaning. Cost of car vac: $3.50. Clean car satisfaction: priceless.

And now I'm home with 50mins to finish packing before I head to pick up the wife, dog in tow, for a friend-filled winter wonderland weekend (read tree trimming, cookie decorating, black and white christmas movies, shared meals, and holiday shopping). Fun fun fun!!!

Final four

2011-11-30T20:23:00.001-05:00

Nov 27: I am thankful for traditions- like tree shopping and decorating, cookie making, family dinners and post-munch walks, holiday games, cheers and toasts. I love them all!

Nov 28: I am thankful for the mentors and guides who have been a part of my life: Mrs. Malkin, the teacher who reassured me that loving books and reading was nerdy AND fabulous. My nana whose loving patience still encourages me to calm my tongue and temper. Toni, whose affirmations, gentle challenges, wisdom and bawdy humor lights me to go further- in spiritual searching, social/political deconstruction, community building, and self care. My parents who root me in the ground and remind me thatbeing myself is a great thing and that family is priceless.

Nov 29: I am thankful for groupon and my kickboxing classes. For my wife who encouraged me to go to class even with a headache. For the instructor who corrected my form and praised my efforts. For the awesome power of sweat and effort and release.

Nov 30: I am thankful for taking this last month to reflect on my blessings. I am reminded of the kindness that the universe has shared with me and that it is necessary that I take the time to appreciate all the outcomes of that kindness in my life. This is an exercise I'll carry with me and hope to mindfully continue.

Post- thanksgiving thanks

2011-11-27T09:47:00.001-05:00

Nov 25: I'm thankful that my wife encourages me to go running. I'm also thankful that I can set out for a 2 mile run yet end up on a 3.5 mile outing and enjoy it. Thank you legs and wife and consistent training.

Nov 26: I'm thankful for all of the varied personalities that are my nieces and nephews. From the loud and lovely L6 clan to my favorite two Worrels, my little lovebug Mackenzie and those I've yet to meet. Their jokes, laughter, pouty insistence, cuddles, serious talks and crazy face running spurts fill my heart. And their varied art, dance, theater, music and athletic interests keep us all busy. Love and thanks for getting to be an aunty.

Morning thanks

2011-11-24T08:32:00.001-05:00

I an thankful for morning cuddles and giggles. Fabulous thanksgiving wake-up :)

Catching up on thanks

2011-11-23T20:31:00.001-05:00

Nov 21: I am thankful for quick and painless shopping excursions. And for salespeople who can adeptly tell you where things are in huge box stores like bed, bath and beyond. Makes late monday night sheet shopping so much more pleasurable.

Nov 22: I am thankful for our new bed and a good night's sleep :)

Nov 23: I am thankful for the peace of mind that comes with a 4 mile run. I'm thankful that I pushed myself down the stairs to go on that run and that I was able to clear my mind and enjoy it.

Nov 19+ 20th

2011-11-21T07:16:00.001-05:00

Nov 19: I am thankful for Saturdays in Boston that feel like Saturdays in Maine- slow. With lots of naps.

Nov 20: I'm thankful that my wife and I think similarly and can happily negotiate our way through large decisions- like buying a new mattress and bed. I'm also thankful that while we're watching pennies, that we have the capacity to buy said mattress and bed. And, I'm preemptively thankful for the good nights of sleep that will arrive with the new mattress... no more 3am wake-up and morning back pain!!!

Nov 17th + 18th

2011-11-19T08:45:00.001-05:00

Nov 17: I am thankful for my sense of humor. Whether it be sarcastic, witty or just plain goofy, laughter is an essential part of my life.

Nov 18: I am thankful for my mom-in-law. She has become, over the past 4 years, a good friend as well as a supportive second mom figure. I love our chats and walks, having her in my home and visiting hers. :)

Heartfelt thanks...

2011-11-16T14:58:00.002-05:00

Today I have to pay homage to my heart. I've been thinking about the power and vulnerabilities of hearts a lot this year- with my mother-in-law, father and mother all having varying levels of heart problems/scares.

Today, after a terrible night's sleep and waking feeling exhausted, I took a day off to get myself on the right schedule before work's long days come looming. Aside from the 90minutes of "extra" sleep I had this morning, the most recuperative thing I've done today is to hop on the treadmill for a run. I decided to go for 3 miles at a steady 12.0mph. Nothing fancy. By the time I hit mile 2 my heart was pounding and I was focused on finding a steady rhythm for my breathing. In 3 counts, out 2 counts. Nope- not working. In two counts, out two counts. My heart rate quickened. In two counts, out one hard puff. Not quite right. Between miles 2 and 3 I struggled to figure out my breathing and my heart kept pounding along. And then something happened- I hit mile 3 and I kept going. And, in that moment, I smiled, my breathing slowed, and my heart (still pounding) became less frantic in its effort.

After 49 minutes and 4 miles finished, I took a slow 3 minute cool down. At my peak rate, my heart was about 168 beats per minute. Within no time I'd cooled down to 85 beats per minute and it just kept falling...

While stretching, I thought about my heart. There was something magical in paying attention to all the hard work my heart had done in that total 52 minutes of aerobic activity. I was proud of my heart. I was thankful for my heart. I felt protective of my heart- determined to take care of it so I could keep enjoying all of the activities that my heart helps me do. And, so I can continue to try new activities that push me and my heart further.

So thank you to every piece of that muscle tissue and fiber that makes up my heart.

Thanks for Nov 14th & 15th

2011-11-15T16:39:00.001-05:00

Nov 14: I am thankful for days spent playing like a kid whether that's coloring and painting with my niecelet, running madly down the parkway with my pup, exploring the world as a member of an 8-year old's rock band or a rolling in snow and jumping in leaves.

Nov 15: I am thankful for music. I'm thankful for the rocking and tapping that takes over my body whether listening to bluegrass, rock, country, classical, blues, jazz, electronica, folk or reggae. Thank you to all of the musicians out there :)

Today I'm thankful for

2011-11-13T21:23:00.001-05:00

hugs.

Thanks

2011-11-13T14:10:00.001-05:00

Nov 11: I am thankful that I have the capacity to visit my family consistently throughout the year. It makes living apart so much easier.

Nov 12: I am so thankful for family traditions. Not just the formal get togethers but the smaller created traditions- the daddy-daughter pre-christmas shopping trips, family walks and feeding the ducks, afternoon tea with mum, coffee cake with Elaine on the porch in Maine, Friday night red wine and chinese food dates with my wife, Winter Wonderland movie nights with Kim & Sheila. I love the people, the memories, the fun and I'm thankful for all of it.

Thankful for a little person...

2011-11-10T22:56:00.001-05:00

I am so lucky that I get to be the recipient of unadulterated smiles. My niece Mackenzie (almost 3yrs old) and I only see eachother every 3-4 months and yet upon every first moment of our greeting she lights up like a christmas tree. And, in response my heart both swells and breaks simultaneously. I am blessed to witness that happiness and experience the sweet joy that comes with her every hello. My thanks to the Universe (and Mackenzie) for letting me know such love.

Day 9 thanks...

2011-11-09T12:56:00.001-05:00

I am thankful for the all the little moments of beauty. Today while walking to the T (headed on a trip to see my family-hurrah!) I was struck by the blazing beauty of autumnal trees lining the walkway. Their bright oranges, deep reds and golden yellows delighted my eyes (especially set against the blue sky of today). I paused to snap a pic before intentionally crunching and swooshing through fallen piles of brittle color. Took a pic of the subject of that unadulterated pleasure before continuing happily along my way.

Dog love

2011-11-08T08:15:00.001-05:00

Today I want to say thank you to Bryce. For those of you haven't met her, Bryce is my 5 year old german shepherd mix. This love of my life was introduced to me in February 2004. She was a cute bundle of fur that fit in my hand. During our first year together my primary care doctor found a mass in my throat. As I anxiously awaited surgery and cancer diagnosis, many days Bryce was the only thing that got me out of bed.

Her puppy energy led me to begin running, which in turn reduced my anxiety. Her playful antics and love of soccer kept me smiling. And, at night, when I was most vulnerable, she curled up with me on the bed.

It wasn't all easy. She was demanding- a true alpha who didn't respond to treats, cuddles or toys while training. Some days, I was too tired to manage alone.

Thankfully, many wonderful folks pitched in. My special thanks goes to friends Ashley and Kat for their support and walking skills :) And to my then girlfriend, now wife, Heather who invited Bryce into her home, walked her in the mornings to the Starbucks to get me coffee, took her away a few weekends so I could rest and unwind, and learned to love her (despite not naturally loving dogs).

I also met Mindy and Erin, the best dog walkers that exist on this planet (in my very humble opinion). Their thoughtful care of Bryce and their support of me when I couldn't pay the normal rate due to medical bills was beyond comparison. I am so grateful to them.

Today Bryce and I take a morning walk along the parkway. She is the best friend a woman could have- serious, playful, demanding, caring. She is in tune with my needs and isn't afraid to remind me of hers.

As I walk her in the morning sun, soccer ball flying between us, it's impossible not to feel deep happiness, love and grace. I am so thankful for her place in my life and the gifts she has given me along the way.

Thankful in the 'hood

2011-11-07T21:45:00.001-05:00

I am thankful for my neighborhood. Walking my dog late last night I passed a front lawn strewn with little kid bikes and thought, "yeah, theft is low here". And then a woman power walked past me and I realized that I too feel safe being out in the dark evening alone. As I walked past my neighbors and fellow dog owners' homes I realized how lucky I am to live near a greenway for walking Bryce. That I get to chat with so many folks each day while I'm out on my walks. That this neighborhood fits me perfectly. I am thankful for my neighborhood.

Thanks for Nov 5th + 6th

2011-11-07T12:02:00.001-05:00

Nov 5th: I am truly thankful for my wife Heather. While we've been together only 4 1/2 years, she's loved me through sickness and health already. I am thankful for her patience and playfulness, for the little things (like the tea or coffee she brings me every morning), and the experiences we share. I am thankful that she had finds me attractive despite my pants size (has loved me 20lbs heavier and 10lbs lighter than I am today). I am glad to have found a best friend a well as a partner, cheerleader, coach and companion. I love you H.

Nov 6th: I am thankful for the community of family, family friends, friends and colleagues who support my wife and I in our relationship. Your recognition and celebration of our marriage, which we are able to enjoy as residents of a state that recognizes gay marriage, means so much to me. Thank you for your active presence in our lives.

Friday is a friend-filled day

2011-11-04T20:08:00.001-04:00

I am thankful for my friends. Those I see twice a year, those who live in our neighborhoods, and those my wife and I get to visit when passing through or on destination (e.g. winter wonderland) weekends.

My dear friends know my fears and histories, joys and challenges. I hold each of their gifts and stories and the memories we have together dear. They carry me through.

To all my friends, and especially to my besties (Em, Deb, Sheila and Kim) thank you. I love you all.

Thanks: Day 3

2011-11-03T22:03:00.001-04:00

Nov 3: I am thankful for my brother- who has always been my best friend (even through rough years). Thank you for being my active ear and silent shoulder, for teaching me new skills and old lessons. Thank you for driving my car to Boston and for driving me to and from the airport. Thank you for sharing stories over cold beers and for avoiding the topics we know turn into arguments. Thank you for being a brother every sister would be lucky to have and for fostering a relationship any sibling would benefit from. I love you.

Thankfulness

2011-11-02T21:06:00.001-04:00

On a blog that I've recently started following, the author is taking on 30 days of expressing her thankfulness in this month of November and Thanksgiving.

This year has been a ride, and I admit that I've not been as thankful as I should have been to the Universe for all of the people, experiences, places, things and beings that surround me and fill my life.

And, just as I need to focus more care on my Self, I also need to focus more energy to acknowledging and appreciating all of those blessings around me.

So, here are my first two posts for Nov 1st and 2nd.

1. I am thankful for my mother. For having me and raising me. For becoming my friend. For sharing cups of tea with me across kitchen tables. For fixing my kitchen table and building me side tables. For taking her time (and often time off work) to build our relationship. For trusting me to support her and challenge her. I love you mum.

2. I am thankful for my father. For raising me and teaching me. For letting me (still) curl up next to him when I need to. For showing me patience. For pushing me to push myself. For becoming my friend. For taking me on daddy-dates and teaching me (over and over again) how to golf. I love you dad.

Waiting rooms

2011-10-03T10:13:00.001-04:00

I've gotten comfortable being in waiting rooms over the past few years. Granted, it was a rocky start in 2007 as I anxiously awaited testing and diagnosis of thyroid cancer. Since that time I visit the clinical center at least twice a year for ultrasounds (soon to decrease in frequency) and twice a year to visit my endocrinologist. I see my PCP for preventive care once yearly. And, because of the stomach and sinus problems I've been in urgent care and/or specialist offices at least 2-3 times annually.

It's been a ride over past few years, but I've been lucky to have access to insurance, a good care team, and family/friends who are supportive. I've changed a lot of my habits to live healthier and I'm mindful of changes in my body.

Waiting rooms remind me that I'm lucky. While I'm waiting, I watch folks who are arriving-unsure-and my heart goes out to them. I hope they leave radiology today with less to worry about.

As for me, today l'll thank Mike (the radiologist) for taking care of me and sending me home just as calmly as I arrived.

Ease and errands

2011-09-16T11:42:00.001-04:00

Today I'm taking a flex day off work for ease and errands. For errands, I've already had a medical appointment, picked up meds for my puppy and visited the chiropractor. For ease, I've enjoyed a leisurely breakfast treat at City Feed and am headed downtown to H&M and DSM for a little shopping fun. Then I'll head to the dentist before enjoying a leisurely walk and soccer ball time with my pup.

Tonight the wife and I are planning to clean up the house (it currently looks like a tornado hit it) and share a favorite meal of vietnamese tofu lettuce wraps

It's a balanced day- not completely self indulgent but a good start to a weekend of "want tos" and "to dos". On the list: hiking with Bryce, running, vegan fare before jazz and drinks, prospect research, professional development, baking and gardening. A lot to pack into 2 days but a good blend of activities. Ease and errands...

Historical perspective

2011-09-01T12:24:00.007-04:00

It's not an infrequent happening that I find myself feeling stuck in the immobility of the moment. I've been on my current WW journey for over 6.5 years now and while most days I'm glad to be journeying slowly, I find myself wrestling with the same old feelings and thoughts. "You're fat." "You'll never be pretty." "Why bother?" "You run?! What a laugh." "Nothing fits right." "This is hopeless." There are thousands of critical snippets I could list.

In the midst of these thoughts, I try to remember who I once was and celebrate who I now am. And, recently, I found a few photographic reminders to buoy me up. When I was reaching my heaviest I avoided the camera as much as I avoided the mirror. If I couldn't see the problem, I didn't need to admit that it existed.

Well, the four photos included below are a testament to my once-upon-a-time-big-lass. Two were taken around August 2004, I had shorter hair at that point. The other two are taken less than a month before I joined WW in January 2005. I've mentioned this before but for those new to my journey, when I joined WW at that time I was 248.6lbs- a truly big lass.

The photos are grainy as I could only find printed versions that I've scanned and cropped, but the perspective they give is crystal clear. That was then. Bigger. Slower. Unhealthier. This is now. Healthier. Lighter. Fitter. And, most importantly, happier.

Today, I'm over 75lbs lighter than I was then. I'm hoping to reach my goal and to be 95lbs lighter by my thirtieth birthday in April 2013. And, now that this post is here complete with pictures, I've got a few solid reminders that while I may feel immobile in the moment, over time I'm making a significant change.

BBQ & running shoes

2011-08-29T13:11:00.001-04:00

Since college I've wanted to run the Country's BBQ 5k in Columbus, GA. The event round off a week of charity sports events benefiting local charities that support the blind.

The first time I attended the event I was cheering for my brother's in-laws while drinking beer with him, his wife and one if her sisters. I was significantly heavier at the time and couldn't dream of running in a race-but I wanted to.

The Country's run is a huge block party. Along the route folks are tailgating and laughing (one house had a love band!). It makes the run go quickly and the midnight hour feel like you're celebrating late. It's definitely a must for anyone visiting Columbus in late August.

This year I finally did it. My wife, brother, sister-in-law, her dad and my dad all signed up this year. The boys walked, my sis-in-law and I ran-walked and my wife ran it. While u entered the race for me originally, it became much more then that. I got to connect with my sis-in-law and feel accomplished setting the pace. I was able to bond with my family, and (most importantly) I was able to encourage my dad to do something new and exciting.

I am so proud of my dad for signing up and doing the race. He just had heart surgery 3 months ago and you wouldn't have known out except for his t-short proclaiming his C.A.B.G status. It was his first race and I think he's caught the bug now! I'm going so as I'd love to do races with him :) So I've offered to fly down to do the Celebrity Classic in April 2012 (another 5k). I hope he takes me up on it!.

Been a long time

2011-08-24T14:47:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since my last blog entry and much has been going on.

Work has officially kicked my rear for the past three weeks. I returned from a few days down Maine to inter-agency politicking and a high stress community forum. Not fun. Then we decided to redo our current website in a 6-8 week period. I became project manager and all our content had to be written and approved within 2 weeks. 2 weeks. While editing a new curriculum and feeling with all the other day to day crazy.

I worked this weekend on the car to New York- 4 goes there and sadl with printouts,a red pen, and a laptop. I've pulled two almost 12 hour days in the last 48 hours and am pooped. But the text is basically written and approved. Phew!

I've been leeping same with a 3-4 day a week running regimen and have gotten up to 5 miles on my long runs. Only bummer is that my hip went put of line agsin (same issue that sent me to physical therapy last year after I developed runner's knee-subtext: inflamed and painful). So I figured out that I was hurting and got to the chiropractor. Have to go ove a well for a month, wear a brace while running, ice after runs,and take ibuprofen when necessary. Am also going to start some hip strengthening exercises because I apparently need them.

So I've stayed within 2lbs of my pre-summer weight, which is good as I've not been tracking and have been eating and drinking lots of treats. We've got one more holiday and then beginning September 6th I'm bsck on weight watchers with a vengeance. I could still hit goal by January 2012 and that's a fun goal.

So, now to relaxing , a little running (doing a midnight 5k run this saturday), swimming, cavorting and rejuvenating. Will try to blog some this weekand get on a regular schedule again this fall.

10k ready: Day 1 success!

2011-07-23T13:46:00.001-04:00

Just a quickie to note today's running. I woke up with my mind set on a rest day with a long run tomorrow, then realized that we've plans upon plans for most of Sunday.

So I readjusted my mindset and schedule today and hopped on the treadmill around noon. The SmartCoach plan sets Saturdays as long run days. Today was logged for 4 miles.

I took a 6min run, 2min walk tactic to ensure success for my first 4 miler of the year. After 52 mins I finished the 4, ending after cooldown at 4.3 miles in 55mins total.

Lesson: A goal & thoughtful tactics & a smile along the way = success!

Savoring Summer: Plum Island and BHH Movies by Moonlight

2011-07-22T17:34:00.010-04:00

New England offers countless delights for locals and visitors in the summertime. This summer, Heather and I have planned alternating weekends home (Boston) and away (Maine) so as to maximize the summertime fun. As we're seeing and doing new things, we've committed to writing a travel diary (old school notebook style) with photos, directions, highlights and hints so that we can add and reflect back in later years.

As part of that endeavor, I'm personally committing to sharing these experiences through A big lass weighs in... While this blog is mostly about my commitments to and challenges with weight, health and fitness, I've slowly realized that maintaining a balance of work and play is essential for my mental, emotional, social and physical well-being. So, each week for the rest of the summer you can expect to see a "Savoring Summer" post highlighting one or two of our recent fair weather enjoyments.

Week 1: Plum Island and Movies by Moonlight

Plum Island
Heather and I laced up last week for a trip to Plum Island near Newburyport, MA. The purpose of the trip was three-fold: 1- Enjoy a shoreline cycle, 2- Enjoy the beach, and 3- Get out of town! We were successful on all of the above; although learned some tips for a next visit!

Our good friend Ruth, an avid Plum Island visitor, advised us to park in the neighborhoods just north of Newburyport town center. This both ensures free parking (always a plus) but also lengthens the short ride between Newburyport and Plus Island (another plus).

The cycling through Newburyport and out to Plum Island is delightful. The views are lovely and the roads are gentle- I only wished there was more distance! Round-trip to the island + toodling around the island we biked a total of 13miles or so.

Once on Plum Island we explored a little and snapped a couple of photos of the island fixer-uppers (most of the homes are in very good shape) before heading to the beach. The water and beach were lovely. Pointers we learned: 1- Bring bug spray as the sand flies are vicious, 2- Pack snacks. There are few places to pick anything up. 3- Wear bathing suit under shorts and bike out ready to go. Otherwise you risk having to change in a porta-potty. From my experience I can attest that it's not fun. 4- Did I mention to bring snacks? We went around lunchtime sans lunch so our capacity to enjoy the beach for an extended period was limited by grumbling tummies. 5- Oh, and don't drop the bike lock in the sand. Sand will clog up the lock and you'll have to walk your bikes onto the beach without getting sand in the chains. Tricky.

On the way back to the car we stopped by Bob Lobster (yup, Bob Lobster not Bob's Lobster) for some clam chowda (for Heather) and french fries (shared). We sad next to a family visiting from Portugal who were originally disappointed to find out that Bob Lobster doesn't serve alcohol. However, after being reassured that they could bring their own, the father of the family popped away to the local liquor store and returned with red wine and a corkscrew. After a toast and a photo they settled into mussels, chowda, and lobsters. Success!

We headed straight back to the car thereafter so we could get into Boston pre-traffic. Next time, I'd wander the shops in Newburyport and/or sit and people watch in the square. It's a quaint little town.

Here are a few photos from our trip. Overall, our Plum Island experience = two thumbs up!

So, due to being married to a New Englander and working in a non-profit, I've learned to look out for the freebie Boston experiences. In summer there's a glut of free outdoor summer activities thanks our the 3 months of consistent good weather we get all year. Movies by Moonlight at the Boston Harbor Hotel is one of the gems of free Boston enjoyments. Part of their Summer Series, Movies by Moonlight showcases classic films, a harbor view and popcorn. :) Last year we enjoyed viewing The Maltese Falcon and Field of Dreams. Last Friday, we headed out for The Pink Panther and plan to see An Affair to Remember at summer's end.

There are two options for movie goers:

For those flush Bostonians among us you can sit at harborside tables set up by the Boston Harbor Hotel's restaurant. Heather and I did this one year (you have to show up early- like by 6pm for an 8pm movie). Diners can sit at their tables through the length of the film. Heather and I did this our first year- it was delightful and expensive. Between drinks, dinner and dessert we were looking at far over $100 for two people. But, it's a fun splurge.

Thrifty movie goers can cop a seat on the BHH's steps. The hotel provides foam cushions on a first-come first-served basis (though after sitting on concrete for a few hours, it's helpful to have additional tush-cushioning!). Stair-watchers usually start to arrive around 7:00pm - it does fill quickly. Heather and I have reverted to this option for all of our other movie outings. We arrive around 6:30pm, bring Chinese food, a covert bottle of red wine, lots of water and popcorn.

It's a great experience- from watching the harbor happenings pre-movie, to enjoying the water sunset, and sharing a group film experience. I'd highly recommend trying this summer experience. We snapped a few photos last week to share. Enjoy!

A double-run day and 2 miles in the heat

2011-07-22T16:17:00.005-04:00

Running is my success this summer. Even when I'm tired, cranky, overwhelmed, under-resourced, or in pain I've committed to my runs for the past 3 months.

I started off with the Couch to 5k App, which I followed through week 7 (at that point the directions become warm up for 5 mins- run for 25 mins- cool down for 3 mins; warm up for 5 mins- run for 27 mins- cool down for 3 mins; warm up for 5 mins-run for 30 mins- cool down for 3 mins... you get the idea). Since then I've been trying to log between 2-3.5 miles per run at least 4 times per week.

Thanks to my CardioTrainer App, I'm able to really see an appreciate my progress. My weeks begin on Sundays. This week I've run 5 times for a total of 13.6miles. Now normally, I would've only done 3 or 4 runs by now, but I logged an extra run on Sunday while down Maine and tackled a double-run day on Wednesday.

For those that are unfamiliar with double-run days, it's simple. A day where a runner chooses to run twice in one day- usually spaced at least 4 hours apart. I first learned the concept through a Runner's World article (thanks to my mum-in-law I'm a subscriber now!). On the way home from work this Wednesday all I could this was, "This is a double-run day". So, after playing with the dog I laced up and hit the treadmill for just over 2 miles.

It was harder than I expected.

I'm not sure if it was the heat, the end of day, or the lightweight running shoes (a new pair of Nike's given to me by my friend Kimmie), bit I had to work for those 2 miles. And I did. I calmed my stride (the shoes kept me on the balls of my feet so I kept the pace slowed down to take care of my calves), I calmed my breathing, and then I reveled in my first double-run day of the year. That run was the best thing for me on Wednesday. I realized as I was running that I needed a double-run to give me something to accomplish. My day had been "blah" until I decided to run that evening. I'd had no projects or challenges at work that day. Despite my a.m. run, my general motivation and happiness had lowered as my work day progressed. I needed a double-run to make me feel successful. And while it wasn't fast and it wasn't long, it was successful. And so was I.

As I determine where to go from here, I'm considering a running plan that was created for me through the Runner's World Smart Coach program (a free program for Runner's World online members). It's for working up to a 10k race in a 12-week period and, while I'm not planning for a 10k, it would give me some structure to plan my runs around. I want to be careful as I'm still building up my knee post-injury last year, so I'll need to be more mindful as I take this new challenge on. While the plan below is a static plan, my experience this week underscores that I'll need to keep it dynamic. I may need some days where I need to skip a run and I may have others where I need to add one in.

Either way, it's about feeling successful- in running, and health, and healing.

WEEK 1: 4 Mi

Sat

Jul 23

Long Run

Dist: 4 Mi @13:41

WEEK 2: 11 Mi

Mon	Jul 25	Easy Run	Dist: 4 Mi @13:42
Wed	Jul 27	Easy Run	Dist: 3 Mi @13:42
Sat	Jul 30	Easy Run	Dist: 4 Mi @13:42

WEEK 3: 12 Mi

Mon	Aug 1	Easy Run	Dist: 3 Mi @13:41
Wed	Aug 3	Tempo Run	Dist: 4 Mi, inc Warm; 2 Mi @ 11:55; Cool
Sat	Aug 6	Long Run	Dist: 5 Mi @13:41

WEEK 4: 10 Mi

Mon	Aug 8	Easy Run	Dist: 3 Mi @13:38
Wed	Aug 10	Easy Run	Dist: 3 Mi @13:38
Sat	Aug 13	Easy Run	Dist: 4 Mi @13:38

WEEK 5: 13 Mi

Mon	Aug 15	Easy Run	Dist: 4 Mi @13:38
Wed	Aug 17	Tempo Run	Dist: 4 Mi, inc Warm; 2 Mi @ 11:52; Cool
Sat	Aug 20	Long Run	Dist: 5 Mi @13:38

WEEK 6: 14 Mi

Mon	Aug 22	Easy Run	Dist: 4 Mi @13:35
Wed	Aug 24	Speedwork	Dist: 4 Mi, inc Warm; 3x800 in 5:21 w/400 jogs; Cool
Sat	Aug 27	Long Run	Dist: 6 Mi @13:35

WEEK 7: 15 Mi

Mon	Aug 29	Easy Run	Dist: 5 Mi @13:32
Wed	Aug 31	Tempo Run	Dist: 4 Mi, inc Warm; 2 Mi @ 11:46; Cool
Sat	Sep 3	Long Run	Dist: 6 Mi @13:32

WEEK 8: 12 Mi

Mon	Sep 5	Easy Run	Dist: 3 Mi @13:29
Wed	Sep 7	Easy Run	Dist: 3 Mi @13:29
Thu	Sep 8	Easy Run	Dist: 3 Mi @13:29
Sat	Sep 10	Easy Run	Dist: 3 Mi @13:29

WEEK 9: 16 Mi

Mon	Sep 12	Easy Run	Dist: 2 Mi @13:29
Wed	Sep 14	Tempo Run	Dist: 4 Mi, inc Warm; 2 Mi @ 11:43; Cool
Thu	Sep 15	Easy Run	Dist: 2 Mi @13:29
Sat	Sep 17	Long Run	Dist: 8 Mi @13:29

WEEK 10: 16 Mi

Mon	Sep 19	Easy Run	Dist: 2 Mi @13:26
Wed	Sep 21	Speedwork	Dist: 4 Mi, inc Warm; 3x800 in 5:17 w/400 jogs; Cool
Thu	Sep 22	Easy Run	Dist: 2 Mi @13:26
Sat	Sep 24	Long Run	Dist: 8 Mi @13:26

WEEK 11: 17 Mi

Mon	Sep 26	Easy Run	Dist: 2 Mi @13:23
Wed	Sep 28	Tempo Run	Dist: 5 Mi, inc Warm; 3 Mi @ 11:44; Cool
Thu	Sep 29	Easy Run	Dist: 2 Mi @13:23
Sat	Oct 1	Long Run	Dist: 8 Mi @13:23

WEEK 12: 11 Mi

Mon	Oct 3	Easy Run	Dist: 2 Mi @13:20
Wed	Oct 5	Speedwork	Dist: 3 Mi, inc Warm; 2x800 in 5:14 w/400 jogs; Cool
Sat	Oct 8	10K Race Day	10K @11:25 Time: 1:10:55

Days are passing...

2011-07-13T17:30:00.002-04:00

My little cuz just posted recently on her Facebook that she'd successfully gone shopping for her "21st outfit". I remember when she was brought home form the hospital and my brother and cousins (her elder brother and sister) bathed her in the tub. She was so small - now she's studying to become a solicitor in Scotland.

How time passes.

I've just over 9 months until I reach my 30th year. At this juncture I realize how much I've changed. I've identified pieces of my life I'd like to take back, wounds I'd like to lay to rest, heels I wished I'd dug in more, paths I wished I explored further, challenges I could've pushed for and moments I wish I'd revelled in.

I think it's often easier to identify the negatives. The "I wishes" and "I shoulds" rather than then "I dids" and the "I am proud ofs". In general, I'm still learning to appreciate those "I did it and I'm proud of it" moments in my history - especially the moments that were difficult decisions, those that led to changes in career paths and friendships and old patterns.

What I'm learning in these months as I approach my new decade is that I've got to appreciate each passing day. I must sit in the daily decisions I make- the decisions to go to sleep early or to rise late, to get up and run or to sip tea slowly, to reach out to family far away or to hug the ones close to me, to position myself toward new goals or to focus in on those at hand. In all of it, I'm learning to be authentic, even when it hurts, and to trust that the Universe will give as much as she takes, even when that hurts. I'm learning to be a role model, to nurture my nieces and nephews, to love my family even more deeply, to develop a marital relationship that is healthy, to prioritize balance in work and play, and to seek those things that make me feel full- spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically.

And, I can only do these things day by day. I hope that I'm making the most of time, as it passes.

Biking to work: Highlights and lessons learned through a 20-mile round-trip journey

2011-07-12T21:39:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I tackled and completed my first bike ride of the year- 10 miles to and from home to work. I can't say that I loved every moment (the two hills within the last mile of coming home were killer in 89 degree heat), but I found the overall experience exhilarating. While my wife is not totally surprised that I loved biking to work (she does so twice a week- 16 mile round-trip), I'm a little taken aback at my immediate love for road-biking. Since purchasing my road bike from a friend last year (note: she used to ride the bike to work regularly to so it's seen a few miles!) I've only cycled on paved bike trails and local neighborhood roads, so yesterday's endeavor was do-or-die in the realm of my experience.

When I came home last night, I quickly jotted down highlights and lessons learned in my diary to commemorate the experience. Here they are- enjoy!

Highlights

1. Making it up all the hills without stopping- including the long slow one up Commonwealth Ave from Newton Center to Hammond Pond Parkway, the medium slow one by Chestnut Hill Mall, and the steep b@st@rd beside the Arboretum in Roslindale!

2. Not being afraid to take on the three rotary challenges in pre- 9am traffic... (I didn't run into any problems until rotary #3 when I was nearly run over... see Lessons Learned # 1)

3. Feeling the breeze as I raced/coasted downhill with legs straightened to stretch out my knees and my head hunkered down- glorious!!! (Though to the cars traveling behind me to whom I was subjecting my derriere for viewing I imagined the word as"Glory-@ss"... it helped get me laughing up the uphills!)

4. Making it to work and home in 50 minutes each way. The Google Maps said it should've taken me 59 minutes...woot!

5. The beauty of the road and woods by Allandale Farms in Roslindale. Lovely. (And the shade was well received in the hot afternoon)

6. Meeting a goal I made to start biking to work once a week during the summer. Now I have to keep it up!

Lessons Learned

1. Drivers only know the rules of the road as it applies to them. They do not realize that pedestrians and cyclists have right of way. Specifically, Brookline drivers don't realize that if a cyclist is going through a rotary they are acting like a car. Aka- if you don't see a cyclist signaling to get off the rotary at an exit, then expect that they're going around it just like everyone else. If you don't learn this rule, you're going to run over a cyclist. Like me. And that's going to make lots of people sad- including me.

2. Most drivers are jealous of cyclists. 1- Cyclists aren't paying $4.85/gallon to get to work and back. 2- Cyclists are burning off fabulous amounts of calories and building amazing muscle. Jealousy must be one reason why drivers try to run cyclists off the road.

3. Cars with JP (Jamaica Plain) bumper stickers are awesome- after making a left turn on a divided highway they'll slow down to let you cross over the road to the right shoulder (they do this in Roslindale too). In contrast, cars in Newton just run you over - whether you're crossing to the shoulder or just toodling merrily on your way.

4. Never bike on the road behind Newton North High School. The city may have paid millions to construct a new building, parking lot, green space and renovate the road in front of the school, but they didn't extend that cash to the back end. It's a maze of potholes, cracks and narrow, trashed lanes.

5. After 20 miles to and from work things hurt. I've tight shoulders from my backpack, achey quads from the hills, calloused hands from tightly gripping those handlebars while avoiding aggressive SUVs. And if anyone has recommendations for padded bike shorts, I'll take those asap. This is a habit I'd like to continue- with minimal discomfort if possible!

Redemption by way of a summer meal

2011-07-07T21:45:00.007-04:00

Tonight I arrived home with an upset tummy and a frustrated brain. Despite the heat, I followed through on my commitment to run (after playing with my panting puppy, Bryce). And, after a grueling 3.4 miles of trying to rally my brain and my legs to work together, I finished satisfied with my efforts yet not unwound.

I was, however, ravenous.

Now the single revelation that came to me today through my sweaty slogging was "chickpeas". That's it- chickpeas. Miraculously, in stretching out my legs my brain also stretched out and I imagined chickpeas with artichokes, in some light summer dressing with a little arugula tossed in for good measure and color.

A quick search on the trusty Android later and I had a Vegetarian Times recipe in hand. Not having all of the ingredients I made my own modifications and beefed it up a little to my tastes (and appetite). Behold, I present to you, Citrus Chickpea Salad.

Salad:

1 1/2 cups chickpeas

32 oz can whole peeled plum tomatoes

3 cups artichoke hearts (can use frozen or canned in water)

Citrus dressing:

2 Tbsp lemon juice

2 Tbsp olive oil

1 tsp dijon mustard

1 clove garlic, finely chopped

1/4 cup basil, chopped

Directions:

1. Drain and rinse chickpeas. Place in large serving bowl (preferable something pretty)

2. Drain tomatoes and discard juice. Roughly chop tomatoes. Add to chickpeas.

3. Defrost (if necessary) OR drain and rinse (if necessary) artichoke hearts. Add to bowl.

4. In a small dish mix ingredients for dressing. Once mixed, pour over chickpea blend.

5. Toss dressing with chickpea blend.

6. Serve 1 cup of Citrus Chickpea Salad atop 1 cup arugula and top with 2oz cooked rigatoni.

7. Enjoy :)

For Weight Watchers folks, 1 cup of chickpea mixture is 7 PointsPlus. With the arugula and rigatoni, the meal is 9 PointsPlus and very filling. Lots of protein.

Now, it was 8:30pm before I when I started prepping this meal. And, as I had to defrost the artichokes and didn't think to start heating the water for rigatoni (a Jo-inspired addition) until after the salad was created, I didn't sit down to eat until 9:15pm. But, amazingly, throughout that time my mind quieted and my body relaxed. And while I'm sure my run, post-run shower, and chat with my mum all aided to that effect, I'm convinced that this salad is redemptive. The velvety, freshly picked basil mixed with the sharp, tangy garlic smells undid all the knots in my brain and settled my heart. And, you can believe that I enjoyed every last bite.

I enjoyed my dinner and the process creating it so much, that I was also satisfied with a mere sensation of dessert- 1/4 cup strawberry ice-cream with a little spray cream. A 2 PointsPlus delight made richer by the ability to simply enjoy it with my being instead of eating it to calm my mind. For those of you who know me intimately, you understand that dessert is rarely something I enjoy in small portions and is often something I use to cope with stress.

I wonder if the undoing of eating disorders is to be found in the cooking of inspired meals because, tonight, I feel redeemed.

Self-care Saturdays. Or. The Simple Pleasure of Breakfast, Walking, and Drugstore Hair Dye.

2011-06-26T10:30:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was the advent of a calendar of solitary summer Saturdays. Heather is taking a class at New England School of Photography for the next 8 weeks of so and we're going to be adapting our weekends to compensate.

I still have to figure out all the details of my schedule adaptation, but I'll resolve that soon enough. My job and I have differing opinions. Go figure.

Due to life and circumstance, I've been feeling powerless over the past few weeks. Powerless and tired. Last weekend the confluence of those two energies led to a weekend at home with lots of sleeping and yoga, which was a great strategy. But, I can't sleep my weekends away every week- even if I'm having more sleepless nights during the week.

So, this weekend I strategized a Saturday of self-care and a Sunday of wife-time. I'd also planned to flex my work time (working a few 13 hour days...) and take Monday off for gardening, but work decided on the contrary and I'll be in the office tomorrow. I'm taking Friday instead.

I asked Heather to wake me up yesterday morning for yoga (7:30am flow) before taking the dog out and dropping H. off at school. I then headed into Jamaica Plain where I treated myself to a vegetarian egg sandwich at City Feed (they are so yummy) while reading this week's Bay Windows and the great news about New York! I then headed to Boomerangs to donate the bagged household items and clothes that had officially taken residence in our wannabe-coatroom since April (until I evicted them to the basement two weeks ago). After returning to Chez Eugenia, Bryce and I packed up ourselves and a trunkload of hazardous materials (paint, car oil, pesticides) that's been in the basement since Heather acquired the house and headed to the City of Boston hazardous material drop-off near Millenium Park. After patiently waiting to rid ourselves safely of out trunkful of toxins, we headed to the top of Millenium for a walk- which also turned into a puppy-swim and soccer-playing. Fabulous :) We met new friends (Bruin + T-Bone) who turned out to be fellow swimmers and wrestlers. And exhausted ourselves thoroughly.

Returning home, we enjoyed a late lunch followed by a 75-min disco nap before heading to pick up a very happy wifey at school. After puttering around the house, we both enjoyed a light dinner (Toni, H. loves the peanut noodles) before going our separate ways (Heather to a disco nap and I on a date with Revlon). 60 minutes and many posed color-processing photos later, I was "ultralight 05 blonde" and Heather was refreshed.

We weeded and played with the pup once more before heading out to dancing with J. GirlSpot was an epic fail. Its advertised "cheap drinks and dancing" amount to $6.25 beers and $9.65 tequila shots sans dancing (unless you count moving strategically to avoid the chick who alternated leaping onto various queer young things to make out with spilling her frothy bottled beers over the non-dance floor as "dancing"). The upside was that we got to hang out with J and laugh hysterically while traipsing too many city blocks under 1 tiny umbrella in the Boston pour. Next time we'll stick to Kristen Porter's Dyke Night Productions and head to Felt or Machine. There's just something about a DJ that beats a pandora music station every time. I've no malice for GirlSpot - it was cute to see all the lil' barely 21 dykes out last night - but, as the name implies, it's a production in it's infancy. And, I'm just a little to old to wait for it to grow up.

All in all, yesterday was a massive self-care thumbs up. And I'll drink or give thanks to that any day. :)

Change

2011-06-21T18:17:00.001-04:00

I'm being forced to make changes due to external forces. And while I'm balking at the prospect of being less financially stable and losing the extras I've become accustomed to, I'm realizing there are also positive changes I'll also be compelled to make.

Exercise: I'm adding regular and varied exercise to my life. I'm purposefully building on my running schedule by adding in gentle yoga (to stretch and even me out), cycling (because it's summer and I enjoy it), and weight lifting (to lean me down). And, thanks to the Cardio Trainer app I'm feeling successful as I set weekly goals and log my progress. Hurrah!

Weight Watchers: I've membership for meetings until late July and then I'm switching to ETools only. So while I have connection and support from meetings I'm working on faithfully tracking my eats, which is my key to success. I skopje with my leader about the pending change and she said that when I'm within 5lbs of my goal weight to come back to meeting and she'll start me on the process to become a meeting support staff person. 2011 will be the year I become Lifetime and I will be working with the WW team by 2012.

Social connections/Interests: I have to foster more independent time and interests. I'm going to start with writing group twice a month and joining Andrea's crafting group twice a month (when it starts). I'm also looking into theater opportunities for other volunteering/extracurriculars. I want to be a call center do-gooder but have decided that my extras have to be fun or I won't do them. I also want to get out more- dancing, beach-ing, being more involved in queer community. By myself and with Heather and friends.

And last but not least...

Work schedule: I'm setting boundaries around work, including my time and my energy. Work is not enriching when there are more demands and less rewards. I'm building in my own rewards.

On a different note, I finally found fat photos from December 2004, the month before I joined WW at 248.6lbs...and I've been on this journey since. There are two and I didn't know the photos were being taken- I wasn't the primary subject (I avoided cameras). So once I figure out how to scan them (or ask the wife to do it for me) I'll post on here so you can truly see my 6 year change...my mum didn't recognize me in the photos at first...

PS- lost 0.6lbs at WW thought (without tracking). Am only 5 lbs away from my wedding weight again!

Commitment

2011-06-01T15:14:00.001-04:00

At home this past week I made a commitment to myself: 12 weeks of regular exercise, quiet time & meditation, study & research. Basically, a focus on my needs.

As work isn't getting any less stressful and I've two large projects (involving lots of writing) to complete between June 6-Aug 24,
I'm going to try to negotiate some time away from the office. I think better when I'm not being distracted by everyone else's needs and the underlying strain of the recession's impact on non-profit.

So, to negotiation, dedication and commitment. Here's to summer.

Decisions

2011-05-14T15:42:00.001-04:00

I was supposed to go to NH today.

Well, technically I was supposed to go to RI today.

Our nephew is playing lacrosse this weekend. My wife thought he was playing at home in RI (45 mins away from Boston) at 4pm today. In reality, he was playing away in NH (2 hours away form Boston) at 2pm today. A calendar snafu that led to changed plans today.

I spent half the night awake with a pooping dog (Bryce has diarrhea again). Deprived of sleep and feeling cranky, I realized that I had no desire to make a 4-hour round trip for a 90minute lacrosse game. [Especially as last week we did a 24-hour turnaround to Long Island and back and next weekend we are considering a trip to Maine, and then I leave for Georgia to take care of Dad]

So I made a decision to stay at home. But then, I balked and started to panic. "but Heather told Luc we were coming." "It's more important to see his game." "I just need to keep moving and get over myself." I almost talked myself out of it- putting guilt and family above my self.

And then I realized- I truly don't have to do this. I can stay at home and honor myself. That my first instinct toward self care is not wrong and not going doesn't make me "less of" an aunt.

So I've stayed at home this afternoon and it's been fantastic. By this point, Heather and Hannah are over halfway through watching the game. In the time they've driven up there and been watching, I've played with Bryce, done two loads of laundry, taken a 35 minute jog, played more with the dog, listened to "Wait. Wait. Don't tell me," and eaten lunch. And now I'm blogging. Next, I'm going to bake cheese scones and then watch a little television.

On a side note, this week I've been exercising more regularly and loving it. I've been holding off for the past few weeks because I've read that hard exercise irritates your gastric system. As I'm struggling with stomach pain and reflux (now going on for nearly a month) and am waiting for more testing and diagnosis, I realized that it can't get much worse. I feel like crap. I'm achey. I can't eat or drink the things I like. And I'm tired. Why the hell not exercise.

And every time I have exercised [Two runs, a good walk, and aerobics so far this week; indoor biking tomorrow and kickboxing on Monday] I've felt amazing afterwards. It's been a little hairy at the beginning of each session, my stomach gurgling and protesting until I hit my happy zone (my version of the runner's high) when everything becomes focused on how my legs are moving and my heart is pumping and my muscles are contracting. At that point, everything breaks and my tummy pain recedes. And, even better, so far this week exercise has had lasting effects for a few hours. And that, dear readers, is the best medicine I could ask for. Pain relief AND satisfaction with my efforts. Awesome.

So, now I've 2 hours (at least) before they get home and I'm going to bake and sing before resting. All told, I'm relaxing and rejuvenating.

Here's to you doing the same.

The sugar effect

2011-05-11T22:04:00.000-04:00

Felt better tummy wise today and so fell into a couple of vices... including a small cup of decaf and a couple pieces of chocolate this afternoon and a cupcake this evening. This was my first sugared with chocolate day In a couple of weeks and it was underwhelming. Sure the sweets were fine when eating them but my morning run felt better. And while my belly survived I feel headachey and bloated. Not worth it.

Take home message: sugar isn't always sweet.

Waiting for the pain

2011-05-09T22:06:00.001-04:00

So the last three weeks have been a hell ride of gastric bloating, lost appetite, nausea and acid. It came out of nowhere and we're still not sure what's going on. Eating causes pain and bloating. Not eating causes bloating and nausea. Exercise irritates all of it. I've cut out all coffee and alcohol and most chocolate and tomatoes.

Medicine is keeping it at bay but I feel that's NOT the solution...just a fixer. I've lost 8lbs in the past 2 weeks which I'm not excited about (long time since weight loss has not ben an auto great thing). I'd like to figure out the underpinning cause. Headed for a GI series soon...so we'll
see what comes of it.

Until then I'm going to continue the positive changes in diet but change my attitude and some other behaviors...so far I've been living in fear of setting off the pain within my gastric system and so avoiding exercise. But tonight I worked out for an hour. It was hard work through some ugliness for the first 20 mins but then something broke and all that was important was me- moving.

So tomorrow I'm going for a run in the morning and while I know that the pain might hit me, I'm sure as hell not going to wait for it. Maybe I'll even leave it in the dust...

Mary

2011-04-21T10:58:00.001-04:00

Last Friday I met Mary at the doctor's office. At 74 years old she's spent the last seven years battling an illness that at its most vicious point last year reduced her 120lb frame to a mere 69lbs.

A favorite in the clinic, she'd rescheduled an appointment and her doctor "a handsome Italian" (her words) had snuck her in. As her thank you, she'd brought him a cannoli from her local bakery. "He loves them" she said.

As we chatted on family and illness and rescued animals and heritage we laughed and commented that we were perfectly matched for conversation- two chatterboxes who because of our heritage (she Greek and I Scottish) and upbringing have an innate interest in storytelling and a little inherent nosiness.

As our conversation continued Mary kept returning to a familiar refrain focused on her health struggle and weight loss last year.

"I lost so much weight you know. Now I'm all bone [touching her clavicle]. Doctor told me to eat. I told him ' How can I eat when I can't swallow?' Doctor told me to drink cool water. I said ' How can I drink. I can't swallow.' He said I might die. Now if I can just put on some meat ..."

This refrain was repeated in pauses, inserted in shifts in the conversation. After an hour and the 6th repeat or so she giggled and remarked,"if I could take 10lbs from some of these folks here..they'd be happy and I'd be happy. And my doctor. Not from you though- you're good. From someone who doesn't need it. I always said I'd rather have more beef than bone [with a grin]."

More beef than bone. I liked that. I giggled with her in that waiting room thinking on how I've always liked women with a little curve. A little beef.

Reflecting now, I realize that this concept of beef and bone has been a paradox in my life. I desire in others a little beef. But for years for myself I've desired only bone. And that's led me in stages from boney to beefy and between.

Now, as I try strive for acceptance of myself and hope to nurture my self, I realize that I'm going to take on this beefy-bony paradigm. And while I don't know exactly how it will all unfold, my gut tells me that Mary's got something right. So now when I find myself admiring my boney clavicle, I'm going to pause and grin... but at the beef as well as the bone.

Taking time

2011-04-14T18:18:00.001-04:00

The last couple of weeks have been a large silent stressor for me-complete with little sleep and high anxiety. It's coming to a close now which is wonderful.

I've been coping with healthy and unhealthy combos; hour long bouts of exercise followed by red wine and sweets. I'm thankful for family and friends who have been patient and more optimistic than I have been.

Today, after a long night, I took the morning off work and slept for hours. I then headed to a scheduled pedi and facial. Now I sit on the quad at BU enjoying the good weather until an alumnae meeting.

I managed the best I could over the past few weeks though I'm sure that if I had consistent self care mechanisms built in to my life it could've gone better.

Today was my reminder that I need to build more naps, self love and peace into my schedule-both for the stressful moments and for the pure joy of living in balance.

Pantyhose and paradigms

2011-04-13T08:27:00.002-04:00

Last night I attended Paint the Town La Red, an annual fundraiser to benefit The Network La Red (TNLR). There my thoughts for this entry percolated. TNLR is a social justice driven, anti domestic violence organization for the GLBTQ community. Their fundraiser was one that recognized the harsh realities of funding for anti-violence work and funding for GLBTQ-specific programs in this current economy. But mostly, it was a celebration of the power of individuals and community in creating positive change to end domestic violence.

I am consistently awed at TNLR's intentionality. From the acts who performed to the emcee's for the evening, to the sneak peak of the video they're producing, folks of different backgrounds were all part of the event and the conversation. It is true testament to their work that they consciously strive to create partnerships and conversations with all members of the queer and allied community.

It was relevant to me that during the course of the evening, as I was internally celebrating TNLR and appreciating my queer and allied folks in the room, that I was also noticing the appreciation for queer bodies of all types - particularly sizes.

In the queer community I find this appreciation for curvy queers and fat femmes more than I have within any other community. In act, the only other community I've entered that is supportive of fat folks is Weight Watchers, and that group is geared toward changing fat to fit (or thin). But within the queer community I've found in my peers, in my lovers, and in the culture an openness to curviness, to broadness, to thickness, to fatness that is less than in other communities. Not that the community is perfect, but it's better.

As I pulled together my outfit for last night I stopped off for pantyhose. Faced with rows and rows of nude and black and silky black and suntan and misty black and A and B and Q and super Q, I thought... "Wow. There's so much going on here." Our definitions of nude and suntan - color of skin defined by white skin and changes to white skin. There were no colors available in that rack (half a store aisle) to represent the varied tones of my sisters and brothers of color. Availability was defined in that store by white folks. Access defined by a white paradigm.

And then the sizes. A for the skinny folks (up to 130lbs or so) B for the mid-size folks (up to 160 lbs or so), Q for the curvier among us (up to 180lbs or so) and super Q for everyone else... (though only if you're under 220lbs...). And I wondered. What the hell happened to C? Why Queen? Why Q and super Q?

I'd like to imagine some fat-positive queer at a company board meeting arguing for Q. Stressing that round women, voluptuous women, curvy, fleshy, fat women are regarded with disdain in society. That dominant skinny culture has neglected fat women. Made them pariahs and for that, the pantyhose companies should take up a rallied cry of support, of appreciation. "Fat women are queens! Their broad hips and full thighs should be worshipped!" and thus, the Q and super-Q size was created to deify fat folks as a subversive counter-culture method of combat. Designed to slowly strip away at dominant culture paradigms of fatness.

But, I'm sure that's not the reality. Right now, the A B Q system reeks (to me the childhood report-card-aholic ). Reeks of success and failure. A = skinny = stellar grade. B = above average weight = good grade. Q = round = not on the system= too fat to even give a C = beyond failure, purposeful segregation. Scarlet letter Q.

And this grading system of curviness and thinness (I'm sure) was not constructed on a scale that accounts for curvy women's bodies. For cultures in which curvy is graded up. In which fleshy thighs and round bootys are norm. No, I'm sure it was created on a dominant white paradigm of "what is" and "what should be". White white twiggy white girl body.

I almost went commando.

Instead I opened my wallet. For the pantyhose...and for TNLR (you can too). Through their work and the efforts of my community I know we're going to slowly continue to deconstruct these paradigms that oppress us as groups and engender discrimination against individuals. It's important that we do.

Difficult morning

2011-03-17T09:45:00.001-04:00

I am struggling this morning. Partially because I binge-ate 3 chocolate eggs on tues night out of self soothing, partially because I ate out twice yesterday, and partially because I've more worked out yet this week due to a combo of overwork and crappy sleep. I know I have 5 more days til weigh in and that I can pull through, but I'm struggling with believing in it. Mainly because my crappy choices have put me here again. This us such a day-to-day rollercoaster and I am way too susceptible to external pressures. Okay enough self pity...needed to get it out somewhere.

Choices

2011-03-15T12:13:00.001-04:00

Tired after a long DESE meeting I headed to starbucks for a decaf pick me up and was greeted by growling beast of a stomach... and then presented with too many starbucks treat options. But I chose wisely and opted for a half pack of honey roasted cranberry almonds.

Post-snack I feel almost human again; now to the coffee for the rest of my drive into the office.

Weighing in

2011-03-14T20:10:00.001-04:00

Headed back to WW for first time since January...

Waiting in line to weigh-in and am nervous. It takes a lot to admit that I'm not perfect and that I needed to hide for awhile. But, with my first race of the season complete (ran the Ras 5k yesterday in Somerville with only 2 training runs under of my belt since my injury-not by choice but by chance) I'm feeling more calm about re-starting this marathon called weight loss.

This weekends was a good reminder that I can push my mind and my body. And, that can be successful and feel good on doing so. Will weigh-in here later about how I'm doing over this week.

2011-01-25T10:56:00.001-05:00

Taking my life back. Watch for blog updates coming soon.

2011-01-06T09:12:00.001-05:00

Tight clothes- feel round. New year @ WW + I've set self up w/ January birthday weekend in NYC, MLK weekend in Maine, + a week in GA. I don't make it easy...

One stride at a time...

2010-12-10T11:14:00.000-05:00

Well, another week is passing by. My first week on PointsPlus totally rocked. I excitedly tracked and exercised all week and, even after enjoying two munchy nights out with friends (beer and wine included), I lost 4.8lbs! What a jump start!

This week has been a lot slower. I'm still tracking although the initial excitement has waned slightly. I think that mostly has to do with stress at work. We're in our year end and the recession is finally hitting us for the first time in two years. And, as a program manager, I am stressed out.

As a result, the work schedule has also been a little wacky this week, which has negatively affected exercise. So far I only have 2 workouts in; although I have planned in bicycling for Saturday + Sunday + Monday along with some weights. Today I did "The Shred" and had my butt whupped! I'm also going to take the dog out later on today for a walk at the Arboretum which will be nice.

I received my MRI results this week. While I have no tears or fractures, the posterior side of my right knee is showing some cartilage degeneration and resulting chronic inflammation. I've been told no more running for at least 2 months, which puts me well though January. And even then it's dependent on inflammation coming down. So the only intervals I can do are either walking or on the bike. I'm not really supposed to be doing jump rope or jumping jacks either (anything that puts more impact on the knee, so I'm modifying The Shred aerobic workout sections a bit).

It's mixed news. I'm disappointed about the running. I did some walk/jog intervals over the past two weeks and was excited to be back on the path to running again. But, I'm glad it's not a surgical issue. And with continuing PT, regular icing, glucosame and vitamin D3, I'll be on the mend. Guess I'll put my sights forward to a 2011 bike race instead. Any recommendations?

On a different note, I had a breakthrough this morning in my thinking about food. My partner and I are having her two sisters over tonight. Originally I thought that we were going to cook tonight, but she had it in mind that we were carrying on a Fri night Chinese food tradition. I agreed that Chinese food was fine yesterday, but this morning I began to panick. We had a night out on Wednesday with wine and cheese, I had a Board meeting with desserts and wine last night, and Saturday we have friends coming into town and we're heading out for dinner at a local Mediterranean place (again, with wine). Now, I could not drink the wine, I know. But it's one of the things that I really enjoy. Saturday there will be no dessert as this restaurant has better entrees than desserts. Still, all I could think was, "I've not been exercising, I've been eating out, and now Chinese food?!" And then I thought, "I don't have to have it." Which is a little sad but empowering. And then I realised, "I can still have some steamed veggie dumplings." Which is awesome and empowering! They are my favorite Chinese food item and one is 1 PointsPlus. So 6 steamed veggie dumplings (6pts) + 1 cup of my roasted vegetable + tofu curry (4pts) will make up my very satisfying and happy 10 PointsPlus dinner! I can take or leave the lo mein/fried rice so that's no worry and will just have to be mindful to avoid the scallion pancakes (which I also love, but one 2.25 oz pancake is 7PointsPlus!!!)

So I have a plan and I feel very happy with myself for this mental enlightenment and behavioral compromise. Hurrah! And Saturday, I'll just be mindful all day, exercise and then enjoy dinner out. And, Sunday I'll do the same AND cook a vegetable rich dinner to be enjoyed in.

So watch this space to see how the PointsPlus Week 2 weigh-in goes on Monday!

2010-12-06T18:44:00.001-05:00

Woohoo! 4.8lbs loss this week! Bring on Points Plus!!! :)

2010-12-04T16:57:00.001-05:00

In Starbucks, random guy calls me "girl w the awesome hair". Walk out feeling confident + hot. In Banana Republic dressing room 5min. Walk out feeling fat + sad

Feels good to move...and not move.

2010-12-02T20:23:00.001-05:00

Went to physical therapy tonight for my knee. I'm a few visits in so know the exercises; it was rough tonight. I struggled with my reps at the weights I used earlier this week. I cried on the table. Granted, my work day was emotionally undoing today, so I'm sure that contributed to physical tiredness also.

Still, I'd planned on a short cycle tonight post-PT and it didn't happen.

But, I'm okay with that.

This week is my second week back in on regular exercise post-injury and doctor's orders to lay off my knee for over 3 months. This week I've walk/jogged for 30minutes (Mon), cycled for 40 mins > 12mph (Tues), and did a combo 15 min run/walk with a 20 min > 12mph cycle (Weds). I'm doing well.

So tonight for me, health and fitness and exercise means not moving (at least after physical therapy) and taking a day to rest and heal my self and my body. The cycle will be there smiling at me tomorrow morning at 7am I'm sure. And I'll be ready for that 40 minute release of tension and building of strength, self, and fitness.

2010-11-29T10:14:00.001-05:00

Starting the week off right with 30mins walk/jog intervals followed by PT for the knee :)

2010-11-17T08:56:00.001-05:00

Am uncomfortable in my own skin these days.

2010-09-20T17:45:00.001-04:00

Came to WW despite my fears: lost 1lb. It's a new beginning. I'm upping the ante next week.

Pain is...

2010-09-09T00:21:00.002-04:00

Pain is...

1. sitting on my ass for a week (aka, substituting stationary biking +swimming for running) because I'm in recovery from PMF, + IT band + plantar fascitis pain (the last is worse pain although does not cause my knee to buckle)

2. not believing that cycling + lap swimming can live up to running (i.e. feeling that I am less of a person for investing in recovery vs. my initial Nike+ half-marathon training program)

3. weighing oneself at 5pm after a week on vacation in Georgia...with still 3 days of vacation to go (i.e., hoping that if I return a little rounder that my wife will see me as... "round and fleshy" in the way of Julia's Brazilian lover in the Eat, Pray, Love. For more weight-sensitive commentary on the film see: Judgment of Paris)

4. hearing the confessions of my mum's hip pain and equating it to my recent PMF/IT band/plantar fascitis... pain, wine, ibuprofen and all

5. promising to help ease my mum's pain by sharing my (little) knowledge of hip strengthening + stretching exercises

6. later, praying it will work out.

2010-08-24T18:27:00.001-04:00

Tired of feeling tired, round, + disappointed in myself. It's time to step up. I am starting the Nike Womens hf marathon training. First run a 4-miler tomorrow

2010-08-18T11:29:00.001-04:00

Today food is fuel.

2010-08-16T10:33:00.001-04:00

Think I just hit the wall with too tight trousers.

2010-08-15T11:41:00.001-04:00

Ran the Alvin Sproul 10k this morning. Hip pai started after 2.5mi but knee didn't kick in til 5mi. Progress! Solid 11min/mi avg. Doable :) Wonderful crowd!

Weighing the consequences

2010-08-10T08:42:00.003-04:00

For the past few weeks I've been struggling with the desire to write a real post ("real" being defined as 1. more than a mobile update and 2. an honest account of the current state of affairs) while feeling self-protective.

Some days I wonder if this blog is a good idea. I'm not a bare-my-soul to strangers type of gal by nature. I'm generally preemptively-protective, concerned about my reputation and the capacity of others to use my experiences against me, more likely to reveal less about myself and ask more about the other person. Yet, I started this blog two years ago and while my motivations may have changed slightly over the last two years, I find myself resonating with one of my original intentions: to share my process with weight so that I could create accountability for myself. Over time, I have also come to value this space as one that has spurred commentary in others. Interestingly, most folks who have read this blog and felt personally touched have emailed/messaged me individually instead of commenting on the blog. Few people have signed up as readers though I've been told that they're reading this. This lends me to think about why and leads me to identify a discovered motivation for writing this blog AND one of the main reasons I'm finding it difficult to write a "real" post: shame.

We all know that weight-related issues, eating disorders, exercise patterns, and weight itself are common conversations, especially for women. Our magazines are filled with commentary on weight-loss plans to "drop pounds fast!" and exercise routines to "blast belly fat" and "create lean lines". We are less desirable as new hires if we are overweight. If we are obese and happen to pick up a candy bar at the grocery store checkout aisle or drive-thru the Dairy Queen for a cone, we risk derisive commentary for strangers. Twisted faces and loud whispers about our weight, our size, our choices. Or, as I experiences this past April when picking out a couple of desserts from the Roche Bros bakery counter, a passive-aggressive tirade from a middle-aged white man on the addictive effects of sugar. Really. He must have thought that I don't listen to NPR.

There's a lot of shame attached to weight. You could say that weight weighs heavily on many of us. Not all. I have met some amazing fat-positive people, and I admire many of them and oft wonder how they manage to hold their framework in the face of such anti-fat social commentary. But for the rest of us we're held in check by shame.

I've often wondered why weight is difficult for me. I'm accomplished in other areas. Scholastically I've succeeded in achieving two Master-level degrees. I anticipate a PhD someday. I am accomplished in my work. I create strong relationships. I have a solid partnership with my wife. Why can't I crack this weight thing? No matter how I frame this issue as a "process" and convince myself that it's okay to tread slowly through weight-loss and maintenance, I too feel shamed. Shamed that today, I'm 10lbs heavier than I was at the end of May before my wedding. Shamed, that 18 months after joining WW the last time, I've only lost 25lbs (mainly because of my 10lb weight gain. I was down to 35 lbs lost). Shamed that I've not figured this out yet. Shamed that I need to admit that, still.

But, this shame is also one of my found motivations for writing this blog. I want to break down shame for others by sharing my story. I am sad that most folks do not comment and instead message me privately. I'm sad that I don't have many public followers (though this may also be because my posts are not that interesting!). But, for those few I know are reading and the ones that have been in touch and are struggling with this issue too, I want to break that silence open. And, I suppose that if that means I shame myself in the process a bit then so be in. Perhaps I can reframe the shaming consequence as a lesson in humility.

2010-07-31T17:08:00.001-04:00

Think I'm going to have to see a physical therapist. Really difficult run today. 3.5 miles with tear-worthy pain by the end. This knee is making me really sad.

2010-07-30T18:51:00.001-04:00

Diagnose my R knee pain: 1.Intermittent. Doesn't hurt every run 2. Ache begins @ front of kneecap. 3. Radiates to R hip reflexor 4. Right achilles tightens ??

2010-07-27T19:24:00.001-04:00

Woohoo! I am now connected to mobile blogging. Watch me go from my Crackberry! :)

2010-07-27T19:22:00.001-04:00

Test

Knees, chiropractors, car crashes and cupcakes

2010-07-21T18:19:00.005-04:00

What a lot to catch up on.

I'm glad I ran today. I made it to 4.6 miles, which is a blessing as over the past couple of months I've been experiencing crippling knee pain when running. And, thanks to my wonderful chiropractor, I may have a solution: shoes.

Now, I was fitted for my running shoes at a reputed running store here in Boston. They fit lovely at first try, but after 3 weeks of foot-time I was concerned that they weren't as comfy as my last pair. Too late to return them I plodded along from mid-April through mid-May blaming achy legs and numb feet on my badly out-of-alignment back. And, with a wedding our wedding in May my mileage decreased anyway (and I had about 3 weeks off).

So forward to mid-June. Wedding over. Honeymoon over. And I'm 7lbs heavier and back on the pavement. I've started going to a chiropractor to correct my back and the arm numbness and dizziness I've been experiencing progressively since Jan 2010 is disappearing. The aches in my back are lessening. The knots are releasing. And my knee is killing me. My right knee.

As my back is getting fixed and my hips are aligned I find that I can't run without intense knee pain past 1.5miles. Not great at all. So I switch to a run-walk combination thinking that my newly even hips are affecting my gait and I just need to ease into it. No matter if I'm walking or running it's painful after 1.5miles. And, though each visit I leave the chiropractor with flying colors on my strength test (left and right sides) when I return after a few days off I'm still consistently failing my strength tests on my right leg despite the lessened back pain/new equilibrium.

And then my chiropractor asks me to bring in my shoes. My new shoes that are only 3 months old and have seen only 9 weeks of running or so. No more than 130 miles. We talk about my issues and my chiropractor adjusts my back. We run strength tests on both legs. Passed with flying colors. He asks me to put on my work sandals and walk back and forth across the waiting room floor. We do strength tests. I pass with flying colors again. He asks me to put on my running shoes and walk back and forth across the waiting room floor (once). We do strength tests and he watches my gait. I fail all the right leg strength tests. I feel like crying.

And so he looks at my shoes. First, he points out that the right one looks like the heel is sloping in toward the left shoe. Next, he tests their shocks by tapping on the back of the heel. The left shoes bounces slightly back/forth in response. The right jumps around back/forth and left/right. Aha. He says. Structural issues with the shoe.

So I go back to said well reputed running store to be fitted again because I trust their fittings. One bum pair of shoes does not turn me off from being a customer. I'm fitted and tell my story as I'm there. I get 15% off the new shoes (nice!).

So, I'm now 2 weeks and 4 runs into the new pair. The first two runs were a little shaky as I got used to the new fit and lacing. My left knee and right knee both hurt a little after the first 2 runs, but eased after icing. Although after run 2 I did feel significant pain the next day. These last two runs (yesterday- 2.3miles and today- 4.6miles) were golden. No pain. None at all. I've proactively iced the right knee just in case. But no ibuprofen has been necessary. No wincing has occurred. It feels like a miracle. I've not run over 4miles since May (the Charles River 7.5miler was cancelled; and I didn't attend the 5k but ran on the treadmill instead). This gives me hope for the Sproul 10k in August.

So, was it the shoes? I'm thinking so and am hoping today signals future success and pain-free running. Watch this space for updates.

With Knees and chiropractors down, time to touch on the car crashes and cupcakes.

This short of it is that I was in a wreck this afternoon. My car suffered significant front end damage so now is at the body shop in JP and I am car-less. Thankfully we're headed down Cape for a few days and I have rental coverage for work next week if necessary. But really? My car.... it's my work lifeline.

Part of me wants it to be totaled so I can get that dog-accessible vehicle our household needs. The other part of me hopes that its fixable and all covered so I don't have to find down payment monies. So crossed fingers.

I'm typing glibly about the whole affair now; mainly because it's been a couple of hours and the claims process has started. But also because I made the conscious decision to self-soothe with a Sugar cupcake and a glass of red wine. It's likely bad to self-soothe with food and alcohol, but I was definitely not up for another run and too shaky for my bike. So I opted for food and Facebook (uploading wedding photos) and am feeling pulled together enough to pack for our trip.

I'll dive into the ramifications of food-soothing on another post I'm sure. For now, I don't want to go too deep with it, but note that it is an effective coping method under significant distress. At least for me. And by Friday I'll be back to running with my non-gimpy knee!

Catching up.

2010-06-16T16:07:00.003-04:00

Phew. How time has flown by although it feels like life went on hold for a little while there. Though I'm sure that's because my head, heart, and hands were held hostage by my (now) wife and my wedding.

The wedding was lovely and after we scurried away to Paris for 10 days before returning to a long weekend in Maine. I'm now (technically) back at work (I'm out ill with an ear infection today and awaiting doctor care) and trying to find an even keel.

Health and wellness went out the window before the wedding. Apart from completing the Marblehead 5k and the occasional run, I was focused only on not gaining more than a pound or two so I could fit in the dress! These women who lose weight before their weddings naturally are an enigma to me. Under stress I eat and drink; no weight lost for me unless under the duress of Weight Watchers.

My WW membership also expired before I went out of town so I have to sign up again. I thought about not doing so and taking the summer off, but after my last 3 days at home I'm convinced that I have a wee bit of a sugar addiction that needs corralling. Subtext: my eating habits are veering on out-of-control and I don't have the willpower to go it alone. So I'm re-upping the membership next Monday night and will be back on the train (I think a good 8lbs heavier than from my last post thanks to wedding cake and Paris). But, as I've mentioned on this site a few times now, this is a process for me. I didn't become overweight overnight and I'm damn sure that I wouldn't be happy with a life in which wedding cake and treats were banned completely. I just need some structure.

It's funny how bulimia continues to rear it's ugly head for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bingeing or purging in the way of my past-self or active bulimia. But, the inability to listen to my body and respond appropriately to hunger or stress or boredome is an eerily familiar situation. My ear is sore, so I ate cake today. I was stressed on Monday, so I had chocolate. I was tired and hungry due to missing a proper dinner last night, so I ate cheese and ice-cream. Not the best choices, but at least I'm identifying that there's a potential problem there. And I'm not too ashamed to admit it and ask for help. Thank you WW and wifey for that.

It's not been all bad. I've been eating blanaced breakfasts and lunches. I've found I love lowfat Greek yoghurt thanks to a Parisian brunch we enjoyed. And, it's rasberry season so I'm ready to enjoy lots of sweet fruit + tangy yoghurt treats.

I did lift on Monday and ran today. My mini-Me practically jumped off my screen when recording my mileage; it's been so long she was perfecting paddleball. It was slow going after 3 weeks off, but I'm starting at least. (Though the 7.5 miler is next Sunday and I may have to run-walk it, which is disappointing). Talking about races, here's where it stands now:

Completed:
March 14, Somerville Ras 5k
April 11, Doyles 5 miler
May 15, Marblehead Beach to Beach 5k: I broke the 10min/mile record with a 9:54 avg pace!!!

Upcoming:
June 27, New Charles River Run 7.5 miler
Aug 15, Alvin Sproul Samoset 10k
Sept 16, Somerville Mardis Gras 4.2miler
Sept ??, Waltham 5k

So I'm taking July off because I may end up doing a lot of treadmill workouts (I'm not heat friendly), but am keeping myself on course with a few races dotted about. So we'll see. There's also a new workout plan I've started for 10k training that has the potential to carry over into half-marathon training. If I decide to go that route the long-run training would begin this fall (October-ish) when it's cooled down a bit. Watch this space.

Okay, off to doc's office for official diagnosis and, hopefully, meds. Running is so much easier when you're in balance!

Time is flying by and so am I...

2010-04-13T21:40:00.002-04:00

So perhaps not flying by, but since the last time I blogged I've flown down 3.2 more pounds to 160.8lbs now. It's 0.8lb/wk average and I'm okay with it. Soon to bust through the 160lb mark into the 150s.

Even better than the weight loss is the real flying (or running). So far the 2010 race schedule includes:

Completed:
March 14, Somerville Ras 5k
April 11, Doyles 5 miler

Upcoming:
May 15, Marblehead Beach to Beach 5k
June 27, New Charles River Run 7.5 miler
July TBD
Aug, Alvin Sproul Samoset 10k
Sept 16, Somerville Mardis Gras 4.2 miler

Potential:
Sept, Tufts 10k for Women
Oct, Down + Dirty Duathalon and Trail Run

It's exciting to have a race schedule. I have lots of thoughts about this, but have to go to bed so I can teach (and run) tomorrow without collapsing. So this is it for now.

Recipe yumminess

2010-03-17T19:33:00.002-04:00

Just made WW Roasted Tomato Enchiladas for dinner. They're in the oven and smell absolutely fantastic!

Imagine, tofu, black beans and roasted corn (my addition) wrapped up inside whole wheat tortillas and topped with a chunky green chile-tomato sauce. Oh Mexi-veggie yumminess.

Let's hope they taste as good as they smell!!!

I call it compromise

2010-03-17T17:29:00.002-04:00

I've just spent about 30mins trawling around the Weight Watchers website message boards. It's interesting to read so many comments from folks who are trying to figure out what they "can" or "should" eat.

I too have those days when I'm thinking in should and shouldn'ts. I should save money and cook at home. I shouldn't get take-out. I should wait to save my points for a weekend splurge. I shouldn't splurge at all. Should. Shouldn't Carrots. Chocolate.

I think it's about compromise. I've recently experienced the most wacky food exchanges. My temporary distaste for eggs led me to eat whole-wheat tortillas with fat-free re-fried beans and Trader Joe's peach salsa for breakfast. And, I've loved it. Those tortillas keep my full and give me energy.

This afternoon, hungry 45minutes after a low-cal toast snack, I heated a serving of Trader Joe's meatless meatballs with a little tomato sauce and 1/2oz bread for "mopping up". Perfect. I'm happy, full, and not stressed about lasting until dinner in 90 minutes. As a "snack" it's a weird choice, but great choice.

Some days I need to snack and so reach for Smart pop 1pt kettlecorn popcorn and 1oz chocolate chips. Tonight, in celebration of the good weather, Heather and I will treat ourselves to ice-cream from JPLicks. I'm already looking forward to my sugar-free fat-free soft serve with St. Paddy's Day green sprinkles. Yum! 2pts of happy (like WW ice cream treats but on a cone and green!)

I call it compromise. I'm going to enjoy a couple of glasses of wine on Friday night with friends and take-out on Saturday night. To prepare, I'll watch my points all other days and option for high protein, high fiber foods.

I took Mon and today as "rest days" because after a 5am wake-up and 7-hours of teaching high schoolers about dating violence, I'm wiped. So I ran yesterday and I'll run tomorrow and Sunday. Friday, I'll WATP and lift. I'll hike on Saturday. I'll also lift on Sunday.

It's got to be a balance. And not of "good" and "bad" or "should" and "shouldn't" but just of give and take. Compromise.

Lessons in self-love

2010-03-16T20:46:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm officially bustin' though it; 1.6lbs off this week. That's 32lbs total since Jan 2009, 84.6total since Jan 2005. I have officially lost a small child's worth of weight. How big do 5th + 6th graders get these days? I think I've lost me a 6th grader.

Before I get into the self-love, me-me-me land babble, let me say Yum! I'm dessert-ing on a WW Chocolate Fudge Brownie premium ice cream cup. 2pts of pure heaven. I don't know what chemicals they use to get this stuff to taste so good and, really, I don't care. It's fantastic. If you're ever PMS-ing for something sweet and are on WW, pick up a pack (or two) of this ice-cream (there's also chocolate chip cookie dough and mint chip to enjoy).

So, back to self-lovin'. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I gave myself a praise-talk on the way home in the car from WW tonight. To clarify, I missed my regular Monday meeting so picked up a Tuesday closer to work, and I met my Leader, Arlene's, leader, Sherry. Fancy that. I still love Arlene- she's brilliant. But, Sherry is simply lovely. So it's 6:15pm and I'm stuck in traffic and realising that I've lost a small child and that while it's taken over 4 years (and I'm still going), I am a WW rockstar. Really. I started this program first as a child. I continued as a teen. And then as a young adult. And this is the first damn time, these past 4 years, that I've done it right. It's not a race. It's a journey. It's about enjoying life and myself and, while I do get stressed about the journey at times (especially the weigh-ins), I am making WW about me for the first time.

See, it's always been about the food. How much I could eat of it. How much I could get away with. Or hide. Or how restricted I was from it. Or how hard I was working for it. But, it's about more than that now. It is definitely about food; portion control, healthy choices, nutrition. But, when I dig down deep now, it's not just about the food and my (in)ability to control it. It's about me. It's about running. And hiking. And eating chocolate (or WW chocolate ice cream cups!). It's about enjoying a glass of wine as much as I enjoy walking my dog. Not more than. It's about challenging myself to test fitness limits. It's about getting a runner's high (yes, it's happening!). It's about being honest with myself. It's about looking in the mirror on "fat days" and reminding myself that I'm beautiful. It's about learning to love these stretch marks. And curves. And muscles. And bumps. It's about balancing my work life out with writing. It's about leaving the office at lunch for a run. It's about saying no to those things that take away from me. It's saying yes to me.

Yes. To. Me.

And because I'm finally learning this, I spent 2 minutes taping myself on my Blackberry voice notes recorder. No. Not crazy. Because I know that there are hard days. That there are depressed days. That there are second-guess myself days. That at some point I'll forget how far I've come for a moment, or hour, and that I might need reminded. And, I know that while praise form family and friends lifts me up and sustains me, I have to be the loudest voice praising myself. So I taped myself and labeled the note "I rock". So when I'm having that bad day I'll be able to hear myself, saying to myself, "You are f'ing amazing. I am so proud of you. I am proud of me."

And that, my friends, is the biggest gift I've given myself (apart from losing that 6th grader) for a long, long time.

Time to unwind from work

2010-03-08T22:55:00.002-05:00

Yup, just finished working. This week is going to be the death of me. And while I need to go to bed terribly, I want to share my WW success because I'm damn proud of myself.

This week I earned 24 activity points, comprised of 3 runs, 1- 2hour hike, and a WATP workout with weights.

I distributed points differently this week; eating over my points every day by adding 3-7 weekly points. It was a hungry week. I also ate 2 of my earned activity points.

And....drumroll please...I lost 3.2lbs at weigh-in. Hell yeah!!! While I may not make my original goal by the wedding, I still weigh less that when I bought my wedding dress last year so no worries about it fitting.

So bring on this week. I've already worked one 12.5hour day and there's at least 2 more 10+ hour days to follow, plus a weekend half-day. Ick. I'm gonna be toast my Saturday night. But, am still going to try to get in the workouts as I know they make me feel better.

So, now off to bed. Have a 6:30am run to do!

Woot!

2010-03-02T10:17:00.003-05:00

I'm back... or rather my Nike running account + mini is! Thank you Ashley for hooking me up with a new sensor. It's confirmed- I love graphing my runs :) Nerd, nerd nerd....

Thank you Universe...and Heather...and Mum + Dad + Chris...and Emily...and Carlye...and Arlene...and...and...and...

2010-03-01T20:48:00.006-05:00

Blog of thanks.

Thank you Heather. You are a motivator. A comforter. An encourager. A reminder ("How many points is this???"). A supporter. Thank you for all the little things like coffee in bed, and bigger things like coffee on a Sunday morning with the paper and a walked dog, and the even bigger things like "You're beautiful...and sexy" when I've put on 3 lbs AND "Way to go" after working out, and the biggest things, "When's your rest day?" and "You can do this- you already are" and "I love you." Thank you.

Thank you Mum + Dad + Chris. You encourage me every week. You've seen me in all my rough places and you're still cheering me out of them. Thank you for letting me call or text and gloat about losing weight or running a race. Thank you for telling me I'm pretty...and that I'd still be your daughter (or sister) even if I wasn't. Thank you.

Thank you Emily for your facebook post today praising and encouraging me in a total "hell yeah me" way :) And thanks for all of your encouragement throughout these years. Not just in weight loss, but in getting through relationships, and school, and friendships. You're a fantastic woman and friend. Thank you.

Thank you Carlye for all of your virtual-support. Your blog comments always buoy me up and make me smile. It's been years of knowing you with years of time and space in between, and I appreciate your continued uplifting words. Thank you.

Arlene. There's no reason you'll ever read this blog as you don't know it exists. But, thank you for being the most funny, motivating, authentic Weight Watcher leader I have ever taken class with (and I've been through at least 5 different leaders). Your stories and jokes make all the words of wisdom I've been told throughout the years of meetings take on real meaning. You have a gift. And my Monday nights, well they wouldn't be as fun without you (and my fellow WW fat-camp group therapy participants!). Thank you.

Thank you Universe. I have been blessed to get through this disease (and I use that word purposefully as I keep battling it) many many times. From my overweight childhood, to WW, to an overweight adolescence, to WW and bulimia and skinny HS, to overweight late-years in college and bulimia, to WW and recovery.... to consistent loss through thyroid surgery and treatment....and still WW. But happier. Accepting of my "disease" of overeating and overweight. Accepting of my label of recovering bulimic. Accepting of my tendency to eat under stress or happiness or [insert emotion here]. Accepting (most days) of the length of time this will take and my capacity to go the distance. It's been over 16 years since I attended my first WW meeting when I was a pre-teen in England. It's been one hell of a journey so far. (I think I've even got Odysseus beat). Thank you Universe for giving me the chance to get back on my horse (or feet) and for keeping me here to work it out and chart the course.

And for the record... I scored a 2.8lb loss this week. Thank you me; for setting the challenge and sticking to it. You rock.

Hold on tight cuz it's gonna be wilder than any 8 second ride...

2010-02-28T21:04:00.003-05:00

Week 1 Challenge over and complete! For those who have no clue what I'm referencing, on WW.com this week I joined the 30-minute challenge. The premise: exercise at-least 30minutes every day. Done. 7 days in a row: 4 runs, 2 circuit training sessions, and 1 WATP + weights session. I've also taken the dog for walks and soccer sessions all week (but haven't counted those minutes because they feel like every day, not exercise).

And I feel great.

Really, I do. No aches and pains (although I can feel my worked muscles). No exhaustion (though by this time at night this week I've been ready for bed). No annoyance or frustration. I'm just uber proud of myself. I earned 28 activity points this week. WW would LOVE people to earn 24. I challenged myself. I made a promise and kept it.

It's also encouraged me to track opints and my eating habits. I've needed to balance my food intake and take into account timing, type (carbs vs protein). It's resulted in a very even-keeled week even with Fri night take-out and Sat night dinner-out.

So, we'll see what the scale says tomorrow. I went up 3lbs last week and I'm damn sure I've taken some of that off this week. Yes, my motivation this week was to beat the scale. To kick WW behind. To prove that I can.

I have 4 weeks until my first wedding dress fitting. I have 12 weeks until my wedding. And I want to be done with weekly WW weigh-ins by then. So, I've weight to lose and weights to lift. And I'm going to do it one day and one challenge at a time.

So for next week? Challenge 30-mins a day to be continued. Starting with tomorrow's run in the am. So off to bed now :)

Temporary reprieve?

2010-02-26T10:21:00.002-05:00

I ate an egg this morning. In fact, I craved an egg this morning. Heading downstairs for a treadmill run I passed Heather cooking up her breakfast. It smelt and looked lovely- egg- yum. So, post run I fixed a hearty breakfast of potato + egg with a side of soysage. I felt okay while eating it though conscious of the texture. And a little nauseous immediately after (though that may have been because I ate too quickly). But now I'm fine.

So, finished Day 5 in a row of workouts. Hell yeah. WW I am definitely kicking your behind this week. And my own.

Ok...time to work. I totally wish I worked a 4-day week. By Friday I have no motivation to do aught but play :)

Rainy mornings

2010-02-24T07:20:00.004-05:00

Rainy mornings with 10am starts at work are my favorite especially when my lil' shepherd pupy is sleepy. This morning it's pouring outside. I overslept til 7am and now am sitting drinking coffee in bed. I'll then don my heavy rain gear and walk the pup (who is sleeping on the end of the bed as I type) before coming back in to tackle a C25k run. I'll stil be able to shower, prep breakfast and get to work by 10am.

Love it: sleeping in, hand delivered coffee and chill time, workout, and food. What coudl be better?

Food...combination?

2010-02-23T21:39:00.005-05:00

The most awkward food combinations occur at 9:30pm when you're on WW, have had to miss dinner to due some unforeseen circumstance (your tire blows up, you lock your keys to the car in the office, you are beset by a random shopping spree...or you just are working late again and forget to pack your dinner soup), and you have 7points to eat. Like me, tonight.

5 Morningstar Buffalo wings + 1/2 bagel= 7 point I-shouldn't-be-eating-this-late dinner.

Quick and plentiful. Fabulous. Also foods I would normally avoid on program because of the high point content per low volume of food. Perfect solution. I am not, however, going to bed sexy. Oh no... because no amount of teeth brushing is going to rid me of hte buffalo-everything bagel-garlic-onion combo that's going on. But hell, it's a weeknight, I have to get up early, and I'm damn tired. Who cares?

PS. WW, I kicked your point-recording behind today. Go me. :)
PPS. I busted my point-recording behind circuit training this morning. Go me x2. :)

Weigh-in was horrendous... but I wasn't

2010-02-22T20:53:00.003-05:00

Missed 2 weeks of Weight Watchers but returned tonight dutifully to weigh-in. Let's just say it was terrible and I wanted to cry. I've been up and down since October and while, over the long-term, I'm staying at a stable weight, in the moment sometimes it feels horrible.

Especially because:
1. I've been running
2. We went hiking this weekend for 2 hours
3. I also did over 2 hours of xc-skiing this weekend
4. I ran this morning

But I know there have been some flaws. I'm eating too much processed, sodium-filled food. I'm not drinking enough water. I'm saving too many points for evenings (just under 1/2 my allotted daily intake) and weekends.

But I didn't cry. And, when I went to the grocery store directly after meeting to do the week's shopping, I didn't buy chocolate or cake. Even better, it didn't cross my mind to do so. I just thought- that's it. It's time to do it right: track, eat filling foods, cut out the seltzer + diet coke, and exercise.

So, weigh-in was horrendous, but I wasn't. I came home and made a healthy dinner. Have packed all my meals and snacks for tomorrow, counted the points, and am ready to go (with 3 points to flex as a safety).

Bring it on WW.

What comes first: the chicken or the vegetarian?

2010-02-16T19:07:00.003-05:00

I am having my first vegetarian crisis.

No. I'm not jonesing for a juicy black and blue burger, cooked to medium pink perfection. And while memories of sizzlin' summer bbq still tickle my cilia, I do not wish to tear off strips from smoked baby-back ribs. I'm not desirous of bangers and mash...or chips. No want for thinly sliced steak n' cheese.

No, I'm not falling off the veggie wagon. Rather, I feel that I'm becoming a leading member of the caravan.

It started last fall around September. All summer long I enjoyed shrimp and scallops. Grilled and served straight up. Sauteed in garlic and olive oil. Boiled in spicy jambalaya. Stuffed in plump ravioli. I enjoyed these sea creatures all summer long. No pain. No guilt. Just low-point protein satisfaction. And then the fall came and on a trip to Vermont for work I visited a local restaurant renowned for it's fine seafood. I ordered a shrimp and scallop pasta and was delighted to be served a large bowl with jumbo shrimp and golf-ball sized scallops. I dug in with gusto, but retreated after 1 shrimp and 1 scallop. I thought perhaps they were too large. Too meaty. I was confused. I blamed it on root vegetable season and hibernation.

Not to be foiled, when my mother visited in early November I signed up for another shrimp pasta. Ravioli. And what do you know, when ground and spiced, mixed with ricotta and hidden in ravioli, shrimp is unidentifiable. I made it through the dish.

Heartened, I determined to take on shrimp again at Thanksgiving. Shrimp ring appetizer with cocktail sauce. I dove in, grabbed a mini-shrimp smaller than the first nub of my pinkie finger and popped it in my mouth

I regretted it immediately, dove for my wine glass, and washed away the nausea with a good swig of Cabernet sauvignon. I haven't touched a tail since. Or a scallop.

I've been okay with my lack of seafood until now. Until this week.

This week, when siting down to eat breakfast- potatoes and egg (over-easy) I found myself thinking of baby chickens. Baby chickens. And me about to dig into a perfectly over-easy egg yolk. Being the staunch Brit I am, I dug in, chewed and willed myself not to think about fluffy yellow baby chickens. I made it through the egg.

This past Monday I found myself once again at the mercy of baby chicken imagery when offered a baked egg for breakfast by a dear friend (and Fine Cooking aficionado). Again, my staunch British side (and well-bred politeness) led me to close my eyes, swallow and....enjoy-ish. Thankfully they were hard-baked, and so reminded my less of baby chickens. This morning, as I pondered what to eat post-run for breakfast I once again was stuck in baby chicken mode.

So I had baked potato and baked beans. Not potato and egg. I ate supper for breakfast.

I'm not sure what's going on. I didn't become vegetarian because I'm an animal-loving softie. I like leather bags and shoes. I love cheese and milk. I love[d?] eggs. I became vegetarian nearly 3 years ago purely for reasons of health and ease post-cancer and new girlfriend (a veggie of 10+years who LOVES to cook). No other reason. So I'm having trouble understanding my recent distaste for seafood and eggs AND the live-animal imagery that is plaguing me when I try to eat either.

So what comes first: the chicken or the vegetarian? [Sadly?] in this case I think it's both. The chicken gets to have it's egg and the vegetarian, well, she gets to enjoy tofu-scrambles.

Where to start?

2010-02-12T22:59:00.002-05:00

I'm home alone (an unusual situation for my current living situation) and enjoying a bach (aka "bachelor") night. Thus far "bach night" has consisted of shopping for 2hours (H&M I love you), a Purple Cactus tofu teryiaki wrap, red wine, and half a Mike's chocolate mousse cannoli (yum). I've also been watching Sex and the City for 90minutes now. I promise, this is a great bach night for me. I've been desperate for a night alone.

But, it's been interesting noting my thoughts/emotions throughout today and tonight.

Today was difficult. I was hungry, so I ate. I enjoyed everything I ate, but felt very non-WW. Non-points and a little guilty. Not great.

Then I went shipping. I drove from work in the burbs to downtown. Found parking and then found H&M. And then spent 1 hour and 45minutes shopping. Hurrah H&M. I felt sexy before I tried on anything and then, as I tried on dress after dress and shirt after shirt, I just felt sexier. I don't know if it was the decreasing number on the tag or my ass in the 3-way mirrors but man... it was good. But it made me realise that despite a difficult day eating: 1) I am doing well at WW, 2) I am 80lbs lighter than I was in 2004, 3) I am the same size I was in high school, 4) I can run better than I did in high school, 5) I'm beautiful (thank you Heather...and Peggy...for reminding me this week).

Still, after 5 episodes of Sex in the City including episodes concerning self-esteem/body image, sex, smoking (cigarettes), I feel myself identifying with lots of parts of the show. Between the (current) self-doubts and the (past) smoking addiction I wonder about my journey. Granted, it is a journey and I am riding it. Most days I'm positive, but I feel like I've set myself up. I want to be a certain weight/size by April. The wedding is in May and now, though I started WW in 2005, ended in 2006 and began again in 2009, and am 80lbs lighter, my journey feels different now. There's a deadline. A dress. A honeymoon in Paris. Should I be sexier? Thinner? Seems so as I've set myself up for that end- to reach my initial goal weight by the end of April 2010. And I wonder if I'm setting myself up by wanting this deadline.

I'm not sure how I think about this but I'm working through it. I'm running a race in March (5k/3.2miler) and then another in April (5miler). After that I'm not sure. But, I need to run and also ad on some yoga or zumba classes... something that's fun, exercise and social.

PS- though I'm enjoying the Jo-night, I ran into a friend earlier this evening who mentioned she was hanging out with 2 other friends tonight for dinner. I felt left out. Silly huh? But then I texted another friend about if she was in-state or out-of-state tonight and no response. So I wonder how much work I need to do...with myself so that I don't revert to negative behaviors when I'm alone, and with my friends so I'm more integrated. I've always wanted to be the person up for a coffee or dinner or a drink...and that was reached out to as much as I reach out. I need to work on that, for me.

P.I.A.

2009-12-30T19:45:00.003-05:00

Being a recovering bulimic is a pain in the ass.

We arrived home in Boston today and I felt relief: to be home, where my mail is and bills are, where my dog's bed is and mine, where I can sit in the kitchen and know where every utensil belongs. It was nice to be home. After unpacking the car and starting laundry, Heather and I sat down to exchange more gifts and then started on bills and receipts while enjoying a glass of Cab (thank you neighbors). I called USCIS for a status update... not much progress. We prepped dinner and ate (thank you Cinny for enchiladas). And then I fell apart.

I was planning to enjoy a chocolate after dinner. Cinny bought us a box of white and milk assorted chocolates from See's. Lovely. Except there were peanuts and I'm allergic. So no chocolate. Big deal, right? Wrong. See, in the middle of leaving home (Georgia) and not sleeping and having a cold and having, as Heather correctly named it an "emotional attachment" to food, I began to cry. And not just crocodile tears...sobs. And I find myself, 30+mins later, still on the verge of tears.

I don't know if food would solve this problem. 80 lost pounds later I presume food, especially dessert, would not solve this problem. I'm tired. My body is worn down with a two-month old cold. And, most of all, I'm hurting. I left my family yesterday and I miss them already. It always happens like this- a few days of deep sadness post-leaving. Five years later, I'm still not good at leaving them. I buck and cry and cry and buck. Big kid.

Tonight was primed by leaving and triggered by food. Food, especially dessert, is my trigger. Rich cheesecake and gooey chocolate. Whipped cream. Ice cream. Cake. They remind me of home. Of comfort. Of caring. Of hands that baked and dished. Those that shared with me. Of nights alone when they didn't and I recreated alone. Baking and dishing and eating. Comforted.

A non-bulimic can't understand why it's such a big issue. Why I can't get over it or eat something else. A non-bulimic can't understand that in my head I've already made a decision (whether conscious or unconscious) to replace my feelings with "X", whether "X" is a See's chocolate or a cupcake or brownie or ice-cream. The choice and substitution has been made. Done. And when the substitution fails, then there's this emptiness. A desperation that begins because there's nothing to hold on to, to be comforted by. And a replacement doesn't work. If a See's chocolate = sublimated grief then how can a Hershey's kiss replace it just because it's there? If a replacement were an option it would have to be chosen. I have to choose to sublimate my grief with a "See's chocolate" or "Hershey's kiss". The grief is too important just to be replaced by whatever is available.

Then when I realize there's no replacement, that a See's chocolate is it or bust, I collapse. Cry in pieces on Heather's lap. Deep sobs. Whether for the grief of leaving or the grief of not eating chocolate I don't know. They're now one and the same. And I'm lost. No family. No chocolate. No replacement.

I'm sure this sounds crazy to the reader. It's a little crazy for me- now nearly 12 years since I first became bulimic- it's still crazy. And I'm writing it out so it's not in my head- alone. And because when I'm writing, I'm not eating. Or drinking. And though this is shameful, it's a better solution than feeding (literally) this demon that's a little crazy. A little shameful. And very real. Still, five years since my recovery began. Still very real.

energy

2009-11-10T08:34:00.004-05:00

that's what I'm trying to find- in the midst of too little sleep, menstruation, and work. I have a vacation next week (a staycation in reality) and I'm hoping to find my energy then.

Part of it is a logistics problem. For a while I was too busy at work to think about extra energy. It was work, home, dog walk, sleep, work...Pretty boring and very exhausting. Now October is over and my first two schools are done for teaching (only two more to go this semester-yay!). Now I'm transitioning into the winter of the year and trying to recapture my spring energy. Really, things go so much easier for me in the spring- exercise and weight loss. I have less issue with motivation. Right now, I want to hibernate and eat baked goods, but it's really having a toll on my psyche and, I think, my energy. Which, if you follow the pattern around: hibernate, baked goods, sugar crash, no energy, hibernate, baked goods, sugar crash, no energy... doesn't lead to anything positive. And, my Nike MiniMe is creaming at me to go for a run; it's been a week. But I have no motivation to do it. I know, I should just stop this typing and run my ass to the treadmill. It's not going to happen though. 1 homemade pumpkin chocolate chip muffin and a half-caf for breakfast and I'm toast. Stupid decision. And I agonized over it for at least 45minutes...

So, this post is supposed to get me mentally psyched up. There's a race on Dec 13th in Somerville. It's only a 5k, but it would be a good run to work towards. It's $30 though and I can't sign up for that until the next paycheck hits. So...until then, here's a few steps to get me going.

1. Get girlfriend on board. Done. As I was typing this step, Heather called to say she loves me. :) That's the best call ever. And, we talked about training together for Dec 13th. Girlfriend is officially on board!

2. Nike Running Coach. Logging on I have a pang of guilt. My last run was 10/27- over 10 days ago. No wonder my MiniMe is pitching a fit every time my screensaver logs on. Ok, time to sign on to A Coach J Intermediate 5K training program. START DATE: THURS NOV 12th!

3. Public Commitment. Does typing all of this count? I think I'm on board and now you know it!

Reunion with Be-Ro

2009-10-26T20:58:00.005-04:00

That's what happened tonight. It was the least dramatic reunion I've ever been too- no tears, no past grudges, no memories of ill-worn fashion. Just pure joy. Fond times. Sweet memories. Savored (and savory) moments.

Are you the least bit interested yet? Well, if not, quit reading, because for the next 10 minutes I'm going to share my evening with you. You, me and the Be-Ro book.

Yes, that's right. I typed it. The Be-Ro book. Now, for those non-British folks out there you likely have no clue what I'm talking about; unless of course you're married to one of us OR you've spent some time in the old country immersing yourself in "the culture" (you Anglophiles you!). No matter, I'll introduce you to my old friend the Be-Ro book, who tonight was rescued from the dusty space between Martha Stewart and Delia Smith, almost lost but never forgotten.

The Be-Ro Flour Home Recipe 40th Edition is my version of heaven. Granted, I have a penchant for anything cakey, creamy, jammy, and sweet. It's not my fault; I was born and bred and remain a Brit. We're designed to love stodgy puddings and jam and cream-filled sponge cakes. But it doesn't stop there. I also have a taste for cheesey pastries, crumbly scones, salty pies and (soy) sausages in batter. Mmmm. Vegetarian toad in the hole. Delish.

Since 1923, the Be-Ro cookery book has brought common recipes back to the common (wo)man. For almost 2-years, since my last move, Be-Ro and I have been separated. Sadly out of sight but not out of mind, as I've imagined savory cheese scones, jam tarts, and Victoria sponge cakes. But how to make those recipes? Separated from the Be-Ro book I could no longer remember the measures of flour to sugar. The oven temperatures or dish to timing ratio. I could no longer recall how I'd once baked such delights; the staple dishes and Sunday tea treats of my upbringing. That is, until tonight.

Tonight I called my mum for a recipe: Quiche Lorraine. One of many recipes she excels at.( I should also mention her rice pudding, lasagna, and British-style pancakes. Scrumptious.) With a day off work ahead of me tomorrow and a group of guests arriving for dinner on Wednesday evening at 7pm (after a full work day ending at 6pm), I decided to do what any well-educated young English-woman would do: make quiche. Additionally, a weekend sale on eggs and cheese make for ideal timing.

Quiche Lorraine. For years I've enjoyed multiple versions: Broccoli and Cheese, Cheese and Onion, Ham and Cheese (in the old meat-eating days), Sweetcorn. There have been mixed vegetable versions, chicken n' cheddar, and herbed-only platters. Served at the golf club Christmas parties, summer picnics, Brit-reunions. Quiche fits any occasion and most palates. However, for all of my enjoyment, I realised this evening, I've never made quiche. So I called my mother for a recipe.

"You'll not like this," she said. "You just have to experiment. I don't use a recipe." No recipe? Really? All those years of quiche and no recipe? How did she learn and why hadn't I yet? I was panicked. "It's a shortcrust pastry," she began. "Shortcrust? How do I make shortcrust pastry?" I didn't know where to start and here's my mum talking like I'm already apart of the shortcrust-pastry baking club.

"It's in the Be-Ro book?" Be-Ro book. Be-Ro book. Where is that book? I stood paralyzed in the middle of the kitchen until it hit me. The bookshelf. (I swear it wasn't that obvious. We have 2 built-in and 2 free-standing bookshelves in this house-all full of books upon books. It's easy to get lost in them.)

And then I found it. The Be-Ro cookery book. Blue. A little tousled at the corners from use. A sticky cover. And full of sweet, sweet, savored (and savory) memories. Welsh griddle scones like my Granny used to make on Friday evenings upon my visits after school. Toad in the hole- my Dad's go-to end-of-the-week dish for my brother and I. Jam tarts filled with tart raspberry and lemon sugars. The same pastries I carried as a child for the local Salmon Queen festival's costume competition. I went as the Queen of Hearts based on a childhood rhyme,

"The Queen of Hearts,
she made some tarts,
all on a summer's day.
The Knave of Hearts,
he stole the tarts,
and ate them right away"

I didn't win the competition, but loved baking the jam and lemon curd tarts with my mum and offering them up to neighbors and festival-goers.

There were more recipes: cheese scones (a Mum-favorite), Highlanders (melt-in-your-mouth shortbread biscuits), cheese straws (a party favorite), vol-au-vents (adult dinner hors d'ouevres), sausage rolls (recently perfected as a vegetarian version by my mother), currant buns (often made by my brother and I on weekend afternoons), chocolate swiss roll (a childhood favorite and special treat only), yorkshire puddings (a Sunday dinner side to Beef or Turkey). With each recipe came a new memory, a smile, an appreciation for family and food.

I assume that Be-Ro and I will be spending some quality time together over the next few weeks. I have a list of recipes I want to bake. Vegetarian versions I'm excited to try. An experiment in British cookery in New England. I can't wait. Will King Arthur's flour hold up to Be-Ro? I'm unsure, but it's a welcome (and potentially delicious) challenge.

I write this all after returning to WW tonight for the first time in 5-weeks. I remained the same weight I left at. During my 5 week absence I ate in response to my body, including my needs and my cravings. I didn't worry about the scale, and I was successful.

I add this afterword about WW not to dampen the mood, nor to suggest that all eating winds up being about WW. For me, it doesn't and hasn't in practice. But I add this afterword to highlight that you can be a foodie and lose weight. You can be a foodie and maintain. You can enjoy food and the good memories of food and have struggled with weight and weight-loss. It's all about balance- and listening.

I noted at my WW meeting this evening that I've made it through almost another 10-months of WW and 30lbs of weight-loss by learning one simple skill: listening. I'm not good at it yet, but I'm practicing. This whole journey is about listening to myself. To the cravings. To the memories. To the hunger. To the pain with injury. To the tiredness. To the stress. To the feelings. It's about listening and trying to respond to myself in the most positive way possible- even if that means some nights I'm eating take-out so I can come home, eat, not wash a dish and go to bed. Other days it means healthy habits- drinking lots of water, going for that run, weighing portions, eating leafy greens, passing up the caffeine from Starbucks. Whatever the case, it's about listening. It's staying in that extra 30minutes in bed. Saying no to another project. It's crying and laughing and spending time with friends if I need to. This journey is about the whole me. The fat kid. The good British food. The love of baking and the love of eating. And, through listening to and respecting all of those parts of me, I can make this work.

I may almost be a real vegetarian...

2009-09-28T20:00:00.003-04:00

I'm at a training on the Champlain Islands in Vermont for the next 2 days and on the way up tonight, I stopped in Burlington for dinner (per recommendation of the organizers). Apparently, the villages on the Islands are pretty empty of dinner choices.

So, I looked up a few restaurants over the weekend with the thought that I'd be better prepared. I was. I found a wonderful place- Shanty on the Shore, serving up the best seafood in Burlington. I ordered shrimp and scallop gnocchi (the only two non-vegetarian fare I enjoy- and mainly so I can eat out restaurants) with sundried tomatoes (a favorite of mine). The dish looked great. I dived into the gnocchi- cooked to potato pasta perfection. I then continued to try a scallop- broiled, succulent. And then a shrimp- again broiled, not as succulent. I made it through one more scallop and one more shrimp before I began to gag. They were so fleshy, so meaty. Fishy.

I couldn't eat any more seafood. I nibbled on a couple of gnocchi and then seceded. My gut just couldn't take it.

This is not the first time I've experienced the seafood-squirm. After a few too many days of eating shrimp on our trip to GA I began to gag. Eating too large scallop. Too large shrimp. I'm better when I stick to the small ones.

Does this mean I'm going to have to give up seafood? Say bye-bye to shrimp and scallops- the last bastion and monument to my carnivorous days?

At this point, I'm not sure. But, I'm not thrilled with the idea of eating seafood again any time soon. I'll stick to soy.

Start as you mean to go on.

2009-09-28T12:29:00.003-04:00

I was on a writing roll there for a few days, but unfortunately was sidetracked. Went to WW last week at lost 1.6lbs. Not too bad though I'd had a little up (1.4lbs over the 2 weeks prior). Still, this is a journey not a race.

I do have a race this weekend though- a 10k trail run in Lynn. Heather's going to run it with me. She was supposed to do a run-bike duathlon a the same location, but had a small incident with a razor this weekend resulting in stitches in her thumb. The doc said no biking for 10 days so the pressure of her hand on the handlebars doesn't rip out the stitches, but running is fine.

So after a slow start this morning (I slept in as am traveling to VT for work and apparently have "homework" for my conference tonight), I motivated myself to go for a 3 mile run. While I'd like to say the motivation came from race prep for this upcoming weekend- it didn't . Truthfully, my motivation was my Nike Run avatar (I call her mini-me). See I downloaded the Nike avatar screensaver to my laptop. It's a hoot. My little avatar pops up on the screen after a few minutes with one of two attitudes: "Yay I ran" or "Man I need to run". For the "Yay I ran" attitude she's jumping all around saying things like "This 3 mile run made me feel so good" or "I can conquer anything". But, when you're lazy for a couple of days out pops the "Man I need to run" 'tude. She sits around bemoaning life with comments like, "This lack of running is making me sluggish" or "I'd love to run, but my hands are tied".

And this little screensaver works for me. I want mini-me to be jumping around happy, excited, and proud of her exercise. So after waking up and playing with the dog, I clothed my ass in run gear and went out for a 3miler. It wasn't fast (10:40/mi avg pace) unlike my and Heather's Fri night 2 miler at a 9:48/mi avg pace. And today I was totally glad when I finished, but now sitting down to a hearty brunch (egg white, potatoes, and chikin patty- 5pts total!) I'm super pleased with myself.

And, the running gear is packed for (apparently) rainy VT, and I plan to sneak in 4-6miles over Tues and Weds, take Thurs off, run an easy 2 miler Fri, race the 6miler on Sat, and take Sun off. :)

So, onwards and upwards (at least in my mileage).

So we run...

2009-09-17T20:47:00.004-04:00

and some days it's damned hard. Like today. That "easy 2 miler" I lightly quoted yesterday...yeah, it kicked my ass today. I managed no faster than a 10:53/mi pace (on my 4.25 miler I ran a 10:55/mil pace..with the extra miles added on).

Though I'm still running the distances I was earlier this summer, my pace has definitely suffered from my summer running vacation. I looked at my mileage on my Nike profile (find a link to it below) and realized that I ran only 2.9 miles for the entire month of August. Perhaps I'm making up for it by running two 10ks in October: the Down & Dirty 10k Trail Run (Oct 3rd by myself) and the Nike 10k Challenge (Oct 24th w/ Maureen). Now I'm on the lookout for November races to sign up for. I think it's keeps me moving better. Like today...

Nothing in my body wanted to run this morning. So I didn't. I laid in bed with a splitting headache and overslept. Nothing in my body wanted to run this afternoon. So I ran anyway. Why? Because this week I have to log a 1x4mi, 2x2mi, and 1x5mi runs (13 miles total). Why? Because I'm on a plan for the Oct 3rd race, in which I want to run well and not hurt myself. Also, I have to run more next week (1x4mi, 2 x 2mi, and 1x6mi runs - 14 miles total). And it increases from there. I'd like to get to 20mi/week on average, but am going to increase slowly, after the 10k/6mi, only by .5mi/week. I need no injuries!

Anyhow, I believe I may need to become a morning runner. This afternoon's run was hell. I hurt. It hurt. My mind wasn't in it and I was physically worn down from work stressors. I've been reading articles about when to run (Runners World, Running Times) and there's pluses and minuses to morning running. + It's done with. + You start the day focused on you. - More at risk of injury - I can't eat for an hour after waking due to my missing thyroid and replacement hormones = running on an empty stomach. Not good. I honestly think late morning would be best for me but who gets to go into work late that often? And, while I can mask a 2miler sweat, there's not hope for me after that. It's shower or bust, but my office is not equipped with a gym or shower facilities.

So, afternoon/evenings runs are supposedly the best for your body. You're physically geared up. But mentally? After a day at work I'm shot. Tired. No longer energized. Often feeling negative emotionally (read: mad, sad) or physically tired (read: been running around like crazy all day, or on my feet training) and it doesn't seem to translate well into a run.

I'm also into this idea of putting myself first: "get it on" style. There's something about fitting runs around my work schedule that gives work precedence. But I don't want work to be the defining piece of my life (though I do need to pay the bills).

So what to do? Well, at least I'm writing down the runs I want to do in my calendar, so I'm aware of them. I'm trying to x-out my "me time" in my calendar so that the runs have a place to live in my day-to-day.

And perhaps signing up for more races will help keep it at the forefront. Any one running a fun race in November?

And talking about dem' apples (an addendum)

2009-09-16T16:15:00.002-04:00

I ran 4.25 miles this morning...and could've kept on going. Hell yeah! Bring on my easy 2miler tomorrow morning! :)

PS- I read in Runner's World this morning that for every 1lb you shed of excess weight that you can shave an average of 2.5secs off each mile you run. Another nice reason to lose another 10-20lbs...

How do you like dem' apples

2009-09-16T14:44:00.002-04:00

1/2 pecks of gala apples were 77c/lb at Roche, so we had to get some. They looked delicious and there's something about the beginning of fall and bags of apples that go together.

And then there's baked apples. Or, specifically, baked apple treats. Really my relationship with apples is all about baked goods... or spicy mustard, good cheese, and crusty bread. Mmmmm. This is when I know I'm British- life still revolves around bread and cheese. Anyhow, today I'm home from work battling an on again-off again migraine-ish headache and have no desire to traipse my oversized rugby shirt-clad ass to the local cheese shop. So baked goods it is.

Here is my new recipe for apple streusel muffins (adapted from Elaine's Crunchy Apple Muffins, thank you Elaine!)

Apple Streusel Muffins
Makes 12; Approx 3 Weight Watchers points per muffin.

Ingredients:
Muffins
1 cup Quick Oats
1/2 cup whole wheat flour (sifted)
1/4 cup brown sugar (not packed)
1/4 cup white sugar
2tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon (tho next time I may use allspice for the nutmeg kick)
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg
1/2 cup fat-free milk
1 tbsp fat-free sour cream
2 tbsp butter
2 cups Gala apples (chopped)

Streusel topping
1/4 cup Quick Oats
2 tbsp chopped walnuts
1 tbsp brown sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp fat-free milk

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit
2. Mix dry ingredients in a large bowl. In a separate bowl combine wet ingredients. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients. Mix.
3. Fold in apples. (I like to wait to cut the apples until after the dry and wet ingredients are mixed to prevent browning).
4. Spoon batter into 12 muffin cups (I spray my muffin tins with canola oil spray to avoid sticking)
5. Mix ingredients for streusel topping in a small bowl. Spoon approx,. 1/2 tsp of streusel topping onto each muffin.
6. Bake at 375 degrees for approx. 20 minutes.
7. Enjoy :)

My partner rated these a 4 out of 5 (she suggested adding the allspice next time and I, after taste testing, concur). Otherwise, they're moist and yummy. A nice afternoon snack for hungry tummies who love baked apple goodies. And at 3 points a muffin, why not?

Get it on...

2009-09-15T21:23:00.003-04:00

The biggest woman ever weighed in on the biggest loser, Shay, just lost 17lbs her first week. Her weight loss represents a large chunk of the weight I have yet to lose. Shit...and Rebecca lost 18lbs. Okay, so I'm updating this in real time while watching the biggest loser. And I'm writing this entry because this first episode of the new season, along with my reflections in reading Runners' World's advice for fall running, has got me thinking.

I've been trying to live by the motto. "Do good enough". I like that motto, for work. But, it's not working for my personal weight/exercise life. I've been with Weight Watchers this year for about 33 weeks and I'm losing at an average of .7lbs/week. Which is decent and healthy. But it's slowing. This past week I put on 1.4lbs. And I know that up s and downs are a part of this journey. I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is how I'm feeling about this process right now.

I'm frustrated. I've seriously considered quitting WW. And why? Because I'm afraid of failing. I'm slowing down. I'm afraid of this end. That there won't be an end-that the end equals another journey.

So I've eaten whatever the hell I've wanted. I've lightened up on the exercise. I've given myself breaks. But though I've been conscious of my behavior I've continued to give myself hell- berated myself for my behavior. For slowing down. For putting on weight. But I've done this to myself.

Watching the Biggest Loser tonight I was taken back to 2005. Me at 248.6lbs. 5'5" and huge. Unable to breathe. Unable to walk without sweating. Desperate, depressed, and lonely. It was so easy to get there. Self-loathing, sad personal history, time to waste, feelings of helplessness, and food. Chinese food. Single serve store-bought cakes. Pie slices. 2 liters of wine on a Friday night watching TLC. 12 count chicken nuggets and large fries. No exercise. Depression. Vomiting. Self-loathing. Sadness. Personal history. Bulimia. Fear. Bad relationship- with myself and others. A spiral that was easy to go down and down and down.

I don't want to go there again- down that spiral. And I'm not ready to quit yet. This journey is not over- I know that. I've come far. Hell, at 169.4lbs this week I am still near that 80lb weight loss mark. That's huge. But I want more.... I want more. For me.

So, it's time to get it on... I'm gonna get this weight loss train racin' to that end. And I'm setting my goal at 148.6lbs. 100 lb loss. So it's about 21lbs to go.

And I'm gonna do it by shaking it up. Mind and matter have to go together. And right now, my mind's not playing with me. So I'm going to play with it. Shake it up. I've been "fitting in" exercise. "Fitting in" eating healthy to my nights out. This week we're going to turn it upside down. Get it on...

I'm gonna get it on in the morning. Exercise first. Day later.

I'm gonna get it on through the day. Eating well first. Treat later.

I'm gonna get it on... Love for me first. Others later.

I'm gonna get it on.

And at work, I'm gonna do good enough. Because I come first this game. And I'm gettin it on.

it takes time...

2009-09-08T20:47:00.003-04:00

I keep trying to remind myself- it takes time. And in between time I'm going to feel good, bad, ugly, and fantastic about it. This week it's ugly. At least, that's how I'm feeling about this whole program and where I'm in the middle of it.

8lbs to go until my first major goal...and I'm faltering. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. I want to say that it's pissing me off and firing me up, but really it's just making me tired. And confused.

Do I think too much? I try to keep up with all the talk of "living into it". Hell, I've posted the commentary on this blog. I'm not good with living into anything. When I move into a new apartment, I hang up pictures before the weekend is out. I like drawer dividers for cutlery and utensils. I make checklists. I count things constantly. I'm notorious for writing pre-vacation to-do lists a week in advance. Living in just hasn't been a practice of mine. Yet I want it to be...or think it has to be...or I'm just scared of committing and am looking for an out.

I am scared. Of losing weight. Of not losing weight. What happens when I get to "the end" of this journey (once I figure out what that end is). I'm afraid that I'll put on the weight again. I'm afraid I'll not be satisfied. That I'll realize how much I lost out on time and energy being fat and weighing in.

Mostly, I am afraid that if I set this goal that I won't make it. I don't want to fail on this. And yet, here I am, stalled. Feeling slightly addicted to sugar and hesitant. 8 lbs to my first major goal of160. 20lbs to the "final" at 148lbs. I think I'm not going to be happy until I hit 100lbs lost. I worry that it's crazy to say that. It shouldn't be about number of pounds lost, right? Am I thinking too much again?

I also want this to be over. I'm tired of counting points and going to WW meetings. 20lbs. Another 10-20 weeks. If I keep losing at the rate I am currently, closer to 20 weeks. 5 more months. That's a mid-January 2010 finish. Still 4 months before the wedding. Doable. Very doable.

So what to do? At work last week I tried to keep the motto- "do good enough" (not well enough because that's too grammatically correct!). Do good enough. How does that translate to WW? Tracking. Eating within my points range. Exercising. Going to the meetings. I can manage that.

Do good enough. Early bed. Early exercise. Good...enough.

An addendum

2009-09-01T08:20:00.003-04:00

I also did weigh in and lose .6lbs last night. So, I'm at 168lbs. See why an 8lb loss would be a nice round number for the Lose For Good campaign?!

How bad do I want it?

2009-09-01T08:05:00.003-04:00

That's a darned good question. One I've been working through in my head all night. Apparently I don't want it badly enough to get up and run at 5:30am. This morning when my alarm went off at 5:20am I groaned, viewed the way-too-early-in-the-a.m. darkness, and hid under my pillow until 6:40am. Read: no morning workout.

I planned for the Tuesday a.m. workout on Monday. I stayed late at work Monday night so I could go in later this morning. I imagined a 6:45am wake-up, 7am run, 7:35am dog walk, shoer, breakfast, go. What happened? We received an emergency water pipe replacement notice last night when we arrived home at 8:30pm. No water running on 9/1 (today) between 7am-7pm. All showers must be complete by 7am. Well damn. Hence my lame attempt to rise at 5:30am while knowing I hate early morning exercise. Really, I'm no good at regular mornings.

So now I must leave work early enough to run before the first dinner date of the week (to which I'll have to go to sweaty). I'll take my gear to work, which will help and stop in JP on the way home to run around the lake. Good plan. The dog has the dog park today so I'm not as stressed about her getting a walk this evening- we'll play soccer instead.

With that conundrum solved, back to the first question. How bad do I want it? I want to hit goal. Which, we know I'm not sure the number of as yet. 150? 160? Whatever. Though it's tricky to drive toward nothing. But, I do want it. I want this to be the end to my WW losing career. I want to fit into my HOT wedding dress a little better. I want to lose 100lbs from my 248.6lb beginnings. I want to stop paying $40/month for meetings. I want my goal eight and maintenance key ring charms darn it.

So in the next 7 weeks, despite the most intense work and social schedules I've had in a while (read at least 2 BBQs, out-of-town friend dinner, a NYC trip, and long work days) I want to make a significant loss for the Lose For Good campaign. I'd like to hit an 8lb loss, my wise wise partner is encouraging me to shoot for 5lbs. So, the goal is a definite 5lbs off- 8lbs and I'll be ecstatic!

Now to pack for work-running gear, food, water. Go!

Me= no good at time management

2009-08-25T18:20:00.002-04:00

That statement is not completely true. I'm great a time management in my job. Just no good at "me" management. Perhaps this is what this blog is about- a lesson in fallibility. And I am nothing if not fallible.

On the weight front I'm doing well. I'm now 168.6lbs, 27.4lbs lighter than when I recommitted to WW in January and 80lbs lighter when I weighed in January 2005 at 248.6lbs. 80lbs- that's a journey.

The longer I do this and the easier it becomes to maintain rather than lose, I question where this journey is going to end. My impulse is to ask myself, "What should my goal weight be?" But, as I recently read in WW magazine, "shoulds" often lead to self-blame and stress. I'm familiar with that pattern.

At my job: "I should work a 60-hour week...and like it" or "I should do this requested training- even though it's on my only weekend off" or "I shouldn't barter for a 4-day work week even though I'm not getting paid the work I do"

At home: "I should clean the dishes before bed. Even though I cooked dinner...which my roommate enjoyed but hasn't lifted a finger for days to clean-up" or "I should take the dog out now, but I have to work on my bills and balance my chequebook. And it's already 9pm (because I left work late again)"

With WW: "I should go for a run. I have a headache and haven't eaten, but I should" or "I shouldn't eat this brownie. I've exercised and have weekly points left, but really if I were a better person I wouldn't."

Yes. Stress. And a negative Nellie outlook. A co-worker commented yesterday on my sun-kissed smiles and laughter at work. "I like this laughter. I loved the way you were right before your vacation. Happy and funny." Subtext: usually I'm not smiling and laughing at work. Case in point: today. I tried to stick my ground and not add to my already 10-hour Wednesday and 13-hour Thursday schedule this week. A contracted evaluator wanted to set up a "last minute" meeting for this week or next (I'm booked through September already). I've had multiple conversations with this evaluator's boss that I can't do last minute, but that's beside the point. I tried to compromise and threw out times...she didn't bite. And just as I was about to give up my day-off, she caved.

And I felt like a bitch. Because I hadn't caved. I should've caved. I should've realised how hard her job was and changed around all my meetings to fit her schedule. I should not have gotten pissed off. I should not have let my employee see me negatively standing my ground. Aka- being queen "my schedule is worse than yours."

This caused me naught but stress and anxiety for at least two hours. And shame. And guilt. I felt my body change: my heartbeat quickened, my face flushed. I wanted to scream. Then cry. And it made me think about weight loss.

I was standing my ground to protect my already overbooked schedule and preserve my sanity. I was working on compromise but was protective of my little "me time". My "me time" is set-up to help with this work-life balance piece. The piece that recognizes that I am important and need time to sleep, or blog, or make-out with my fiancee. The piece that needs time to grocery shop and read a book. Write creatively. Write- period. Listen to music. Get away. The piece of time where I get to relax. Forget work. Lessen stress.

And in trying to protect this time I increased my stress load for the day. Research indicates that stress is linked to increased cortisol production and higher incidence of weight gain. And with weight gain comes negative health outcomes. Whether I understand the research, I know that with stress comes a need to de-stress and to a recovering bulimic that often equals food. Or, on a good day, exercise. But the bad days, the food-bingeing days, lead to weight gain. And that leads to more stress, to food, to weight gain, etc. I have more "okay let's exercise to reduce this stress" days. Hell, this June, I trained an competed in a 7.5miler (and was a solid finisher in the pack). But still, stress is there. And sometimes it's connected to chocolate or chips n' salsa. So, is my job making me fat?

Well no. I'm losing weight. But it's not making it easier. And, most of all, my work "shoulds" and stresses are making me think more deeply about this weight goal question.

The article I read suggested that if we replace the "should" with "want"or "need" then stress levels and self-blame decrease. "I want my goal weight to be...." or "I need my goal weight to be..." According to WW, my goal weight needs to be under 150lbs. That's been my lowest adult weight- reached only in high school after months of fasting and exercising. I was a size 6-8 and looked hot. I don't want to be that person again. This "need" still feels a little stressful. But does that mean I don't want to be that weight again?

I want a weight that's easy to maintain. That I'm proud of. That I feel sexy at. I don't want to stress about weight maintenance. I want to enjoy food and drink like the foodie I am. And still be healthy. I want to end this journey. I want to be successful. I want to look hot on my wedding day next May- and be able to breathe in that corset. I want to wear a size medium in Victoria's Secret bikini panties.

So what goal weight do I want to be? I don't know yet- at least not the number. But perhaps when I start to wonder about the "shoulds" and even the "needs" to be regarding a goal weight, I can revisit these wants to gain perspective. My goal weight may end up being 150lbs...or not. I guess we'll see along the way.

It's a snowy sunday...

2009-01-18T14:18:00.004-05:00

...and snowy Sundays lend themselves to a few must-do activities in my household:
1. shoveling
2. baking
3. cleaning the house
4. more shoveling

Sadly, snowy Sundays often lead to other activites, such as chasing my VERY naughty dog around the neighborhood as she romps in the snow, blatantly ignores and runs away from me, and almost commits suicide in front of numerous diligent Boston snow ploughs.

The not so great things that came out of the hell-dog chasing were:
1. numb fingers (I was gloveless and in PJ pants)
2. anger
3. taking that anger out on my dog
4. physically and verbally reincarnating my mum as I verbally laid into my dog and put her on her bed
5. did I mention lingering anger that's sat in my stomach all day (even through a super relaxing shower, sweeping and mopping all the floors, dishwashing, reading a book, and more sweeping)

In fact, the only decent thing that has come of that chasing escapade is that I burned off a few more points and so treated myself to a brunch of 1 whole wheat bluberry muffin AND 1 whole wheat raspberry muffin. And only for 8 points. Thankfully, I'd baked them before she decided to escape from my future sis-in-law.

And because they're so good and only 4 points each, I'm sharing the recipe (adapted from a recipe found at Michigan Live.com).

Berry Streusel Muffins (Makes 18 medium muffins)

Ingredients
For the muffins:
1/4 lb butter
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
2 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 cups whole wheat flour (sifted)
1tsp baking soda
1 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 cups light (or fat-free) sour cream
2 cups berries (I like to split the batter and make one batch with 1 cup frozen blueberries and one batch with 1 cup frozen raspberries)

For the streusel topping:
1/4 cup dark brown sugar
1/8 cup all-purpose flour
1 tbsp oats
1 tsp cinnamon
2 tbsp butter (softened)

Directions:
To make muffins:
1. Combine all ingredients (except sour cream and berries) in a large bowl. Use an electric mixer (or KitchenAide if you have one) to create a thick batter. Do not overmix.
2. Stir in sour cream with a wooden spoon.
3. If you are making a 1/2 blueberry and 1/2 raspberry recipe, divide the mixture into 2 separate bowls. Add in 1 cup berries to each bowl of batter.
4. Spoon 1 large dessert spoon of mix into muffin pans (either line pans with muffin cups or spray with non-stick cooking spray)

To make streusel topping:
1. Combine all ingredients in a bowl.
2. Mix with a pastry cutter or small whisk.
3. Top off each muffin with approx. 1 tsp of streusel.

Bake at 375degrees Farenheit for 20-25 minutes or until atoothpick inserted into muffin comes out clean.

Outcome: Each muffin =4-point YUMMY!

It's amazing how much writing calms me down. I feel my stomach anger-knot undoing as I type and you read this. Fantastic.

Back to scullery-maiding. Still have more dishes and countertops to do.

Weekends

2009-01-17T15:27:00.003-05:00

Weekends throughout my young adult life have traditionally been marked by two nights & days of no-holes-barred behavior. It's the time of the week when I get to kick back and do all those things I can't get to during the work week- like napping, or hiking, taking my dog to the snowy arboretum (which we did today for a lovely walk off-leash), or shopping (when I have cash or an insatiable desire to burn dollars on credit).

All of these things aren't too bad for you (okay, shopping on credit is quesitonable)...but my no-holes-barred attitude on weekends also extends to food and drink. Yup. You guessed it- I'm a weekend binge-monger. It's the time of the week for nachos and beer at the local pub with a group of friends. For warm home-baked muffins, right out of the oven on a Sunday morning. It's glasses of red wine with cheese and crackers while cooking on a Saturday night. Splurging on a Starbucks grande non-fat mocha.

I had a no-holes-barred night last night. Red wine flowed freely from the bottle to the glass and from the glass to my lips. Glass after glass. I dined on uncontrolled portions of penne with shrimp in a white/wine tomato-heavy cream sauce. Followed up with chocolates (4 Hershey kisses, 1 Ferrero Rocher) and a caramel brownie bowl. I was uncontrollable.

In retrospect, it was a lot of calories, but not as terrible of a day as I used to have. But in the middle of it, I acted, ate, and drank with abandon. I felt like bingeing. I did binge. And I didn't try to record or think about WW or points (until this morning when I did go back and count everything. I know, I'm an overachiever by nature. I feel guilty when a task is incomplete or just shoddy work, and that includes WW journaling).

So what was it about last night? That I was at the end of my monthly menstrual-hell and craving all those sweet, salty, and alcoholic "bad" things? That I was falling into old weekender habits? That I was pretending to be "normal" and not a WW follower?

I don't know the reasoning for the behavior, but I do know that this morning my internal reaction to thinking about my Friday night foodmongering was, "Fuck." PAUSE. "I have 3 days until weigh-in." PAUSE. Groan. "Fuck."

And so today I've been on-target. But I'm still wondering- how am I going to enjoy my Saturday night without going over points? How will I feel like I'm living and taking advantage of my weekend if I can't eat and drink what I want? How will I relax?

Crazy? Well, it's my crazy-normal life right now. And how I anticipate it'll be for a while- at least while I kick these pounds and this program.

First week weigh-in complete...

2009-01-13T09:41:00.003-05:00

and 4lbs gone. Hurrah!

What was all that worrying for? Though I expect I'll feel similarly concerned and pressured for a few weeks to come until I get used to the rhythm of weigh-ins again. I got to share the trick that worked for me last week: lots of "macks" (meal-snacks, or small meal portions) dispersed throughout the day and using the hunger chart (at least for the first few days). Both kept me in tune with what my body needed rather than simply what my brain desired.

And, I told my mum I joined up, which was a big debate for me. We've had a long shaky history with weight and weight-loss together. Starting with WW when I was about 9 or 10 years old. I used to think she loved me more when I was thinner- now I wonder if she feels successful as a mother and so loves herself a little more when I'm thinner. Whatever the case, I sometimes feel a little pressure (that has led down the path to bulimia on more than one occasion before) when discussing body/health/weight with mum. But, I'm giving us both a chance and we've set up parameters to only check-in once a week about it. I don't like to hide things from her, so I hope this makes it less stressful for me on that front.

Then I wrapped up my evening by coming home to freshly-cooked Roasted Winter Vegetable Lasagne, a la my honey. I'd worked out points for it in the morning so was easily able to direct her in dishing me up a slice that I enjoyed with a glass of white wine and followed-up with decaf tea and a truffle. Yum!

Tonight is my first book club night- I already know that there'll be cookies and brownies. But, I'm going prepared with hummus and carrots, my dinner (Oaxaca Tortilla with Black Bean Stew, Salsa & Sour Cream- yummy!), and enough points for 1 Brownie or I have an emergency 1 point WW Dark Chocolate Raspberry bar with me if I need to use my brownie points later on today for a snack. And, I've worked out already so feel great- have decided that am workouts are the best (though most mornings I'll have to get up earlier than today as I don't usually start my work day this late).

Anyhow, need to do the dishes before work. Till later.

Holidays are certainly joyous

2009-01-11T20:55:00.003-05:00

And I enjoyed my winter holiday (to Long Island, then Georgia, and topped off in New Hampshire) very much. Too much perhaps if we're talking about my waistline. I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted it, and it resulted in a significant expansion of my waistline. Up to 196lbs.

So like other friends and family members around me. While Christmas passes, I am determined to keep up that "Tis' the season" attitude. Though, as the holiday season is passing, I have found myself stepping into another.

Tis' this season to join Weight Watchers.

Yes that's right folks. Weight Watchers. Despite all my protestations in earlier blogs (all 3 of them) that I need not set foot in a meeting, I joined up. And last Monday night, with 30 other people, embarked on that cattle-drive known as Momentum. Gotta love marketing companies and their fancy slogans.

Momentum. I've had it this week. I've counted and tracked and made "better" decisions. Discussed point options with my partner and written down point(s)-per-serving size portions in her recipe books. I've exercised at 5:45am (Preface: I never get up before 7am if I don't have to), chosen to walk through unshoveled snowstorm-wracked streets to my fiancee's birthday brunch (where I ordered a veggie omelet- that I extracted a lot of cheese from, demanded no toast, then barely touched the homefries), and been excited about shoveling my driveway post-brunch.

And now I'm scared.

Scared that tomorrow the scale will fail me. That I'll fail myself. That the momentum of this week won't translate into weight loss.

This is why I didn't want to sign-up for a meeting. Because if I walk in there and it's not on the scale, I've failed. Done something wrong. And I'm accountable. To the scale. To the person weighing me in. To the leader. To every other first week person I met last Monday. To the room full of WWers trying to lose weight with Momentum.

So tomorrow, I have to promise to eat as usual. I know starving doesn't help anyone. But, I know I'll want to close my eyes when I step on that scale. At 7pm, cross your fingers and hope that it doesn't berate me with bad numbers- I've been enjoying this momentum.

I broke my promise...

2008-12-09T20:48:00.000-05:00

So, I said I wouldn't get on the scale before Thursday. I lied, and then I stepped on the scale anyway. It's like an addiction. I just can't help myself. Perhaps it would be better to embrace it than avoid it? I don't know. I feel like I often use the scale as a punishment. E.g., I know I've not "done well" this week in that I've not eated perfectly. But I have written things down and been more thoughtful. But it's like the scale is my test of how shitty I'm doing. Self-sabotage?

I knew I wasn't going to be perfect. I wanted to try and get into the swing of writing things down and thinking about what I'm eating, so that after the craziness of the semester ending and the holiday travel that I'll be able to launch into it. This is like my prep to being 100% on. Ideally I'd love to be 100% on now, but I know my life for the next couple of weeks and it ain't easy. I'm already behind at work because of sick days but am pretty much booked through vacation. So I'm trying not to schedule January so that I can play catch up.

Crossed fingers on the catch up... Though I just sojurned from typing to put "saved" days in my calendar. I'm pledging that next year will be less work-crazy so that I can lead a "normal life"... No more booking myself 13 & 14-hour long shifts. Especially multiple days in a row. I may try a 10-6pm general schedule so that I can work out in the morning. I ran tonight- mainly because I also ate cookies today and then stepped on the scale. Still 191. At least I'm not up. My partner and I drank 2 bottles of wine over 2 nights this week. Crazy. We're living up our free time together.

Anyhow- had a shitty trip to the H&M. Nothing fit. Which was good for my wallet (that is empty thanks to the good ol' DOE grad school loan repayments). Really, how do they expect you to ever pay off an MSW or MPH? You get paid crap for a salary.

Argh. Argh. Argh. Just feel tense tonight. Well... that means I should run more I guess. Not tonight, but tomorrow morning to work out this adrenaline.

Later.

Preface to a saturday evening in

2008-12-06T17:33:00.000-05:00

Thursday came and went. I weighed in, but I didn't weigh in here. I told you not to expect much from me. I'm inconsistent and overworked. Seriously, I walked in to a 14 hour day Thursday and a 11.5 hour day Friday. Gotta love non-profit.

I know that high cortisol levels have been linked to increased obesity and decreased ability to lose weight. Could my job be keeping me fat?

Could be. But, I'm sure it's helped along by my eating and exercise habits.

Positive: I have tracked points for Thurs, Fri and Sat.

Negative: I did go over my points on Thurs and Fri.

Positive: I still have weekly flex points left.

Negative: I'm planning on blowing a few tonight on a cheesy biscuit and wine.

Positive: At least I'm still tracking this stuff.

So, I weighed in at 191. I weighed myself this morning and was 190. I know, I know. Weight fluctuates. It could be a fluke. My goal now is NOT to weigh myself until Thursday morning. We'll see how that goes.

My second goal is to go step on that treadmill I purchased and burn some cortisol. :)

Til then.

The preface

2008-12-03T16:50:00.000-05:00

I never thought I'd be one to write a blog, much less one entitled, "A big lass weighs in..." But, this is the age of self-professed and published sins, so I'm jumping on the onlinewagon. At least for now.

I've been the girl with the pretty face for about 26years now. In between bouts of fasting and feasting, I've been the girl with the pretty body. It's been awhile.

Not that things have been terrible. I hit my personal venti-size almost five years ago when I hit 248.6lbs. Yes, I remember the .6lbs that showed up on the scale when I registered at Weight Watchers that January 2004. With WW, I shifted about 50lbs in 8 months, and then dropped another 10lbs in the 6 months following. And for the past four years I've stabilized, sliding between 183-190lbs (with a one-time post-tonsilitis low of 175lbs).

I've been "satisfied." At first, proud that for the first time in my adult life I wasn't see-sawing between tens and tens of pounds. Proud that I'd battled past the bulimia of my high school and compulsive overeating of my college years. Proud that I could maintain a "steady" weight for the past few years.

But, now it's not enough. I'm not comfortable in this plus-sized body anymore. So, I'm weighing in. And, yes, I'm heading back to the tried and true Weight Watchers program. I need something that I can slip into- that's challenging but comforting- and, if necessary, forgiving.

Tonight's the preface. Tomorrow's the weigh-in.

Yes, I may be silly to start this before the travel and celebration that will hapen for me and my family this December. I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I can't postpone this longer.

Also, so I don't set myself up for blogging-failure. You should know that I've never kept a blog. Never read other blogs regularly. So don't expect multiple posts-per-day. Life's too busy and I'm just starting out. But, I'm hoping that by putting this out there, that I'll coach myself through these next 50lbs AND hold myself accountable.

And perhaps I'll create a few laughs along the way. Til tomorrow.